I would like to share my experience while encountering the Dharma. What
I say may seem obvious to many Dharma practitioners, but if it clarifies
something for just one person, then that is enough.
When I first met the Dharma, my mind was racing. I had a strong instinct
for the teachings, and I was fascinated and excited by them. I had a strong
desire to become a monk as soon as possible, to practice intensely, and
to become a Buddha quickly. Luckily, my teacher would not allow me fall
into my own trap. Becoming a monk at that time in my life would have been
disastrous for me. This was because, unbeknownst to me at the time, my understanding
of the Dharma was intellectual. My desire to be ordained was simply a desire
of the ego; there was little Dharma motivation from the heart. Consequently,
taking ordination would have made me feel pressured, instead of bringing
peace and happiness, which are the real purpose of practicing the Dharma
and keeping the precepts. I would have been in constant internal conflict
as I tried to live up to my ideal of a perfect monastic, instead of accepting
myself and working with what I am at present.
After some time, I realized my faulty motivation. I came to my senses, or
more accurately, I left my senses and discovered a tiny drop of Dharma in
my heart. As I practiced more, self-acceptance began to arise in my heart.
I stopped pressuring myself with my idealistic, intellectual understanding
of the Dharma and the expectations it produced. Dharma is beautiful, and
we have to have a long-term view in order to find it within ourselves. It
will take a long time to practice and develop Dharma qualities. As His Holiness
the Dalai Lama says, '"'The longer the practitioner is willing to practice,
the quicker he or she will achieve the goal.'"' Joyous effort means
being peaceful and happy with the practice and willing to spend a long time
at it. When we have this, then we are truly practicing. Dharma now means
to me becoming a better human being, caring for others, trying to develop
a kind heart. It does not mean being intellectual, uptight, and pushing
myself.
I hope to be ordained when I am confident to keep the precepts purely in
a peaceful, happy state of mind. Then being ordained will benefit my practice
and that in turn will benefit many other people as well. In the meantime,
I will try to live according to the precepts while wearing lay clothes and
having long hair, and practice being a monastic before actually becoming
one.
