Raw is War is joined in progress! Someone's in a limo! Is that
DX?
*CLICK!*
Bret Hart beats Jeff Jarrett! Somehow. Okay, I missed the first hour of Nitro tonight, so sue me. Did I miss anything?
In the back, the Maestro is forced to play "New York, New York" by WCW's resident Italian Stereotypes!
Lex "Total Idiot" Luger is apologizing to Miss Elizabeth about something...Liz is ummm...in a cage, fulfilling the dreams of the majority of male wrestling fans who watched the WWF in the 80's...Liz is gonna wrestle Meng???
Even though no one asked, Tony and Bobby wonder WHO'S IN THAT LIMO!
*CLICK!*
Commercials on USA! DOH!..however, there is a Led Zep Best of at Best
Buy! Get it now!
*CLICK!*
Still commercials on TNT!!!
*CLICK!*
Test and Skippy McMahon are looking for McMahon the Elder. Vince is in his car! With a bat??? Overacting ensues! Test and Skippy face the New Age Outlaws for the tag titles later tonight!
Kurt Angle is out! He faces Mark Henry! I must say Mark looks a bit slimmer these days...Kurt run downs Mark for going to a topless bar the night of his Olympic competition! This caused Mark to finish DEAD LAST! If Mark had followed the three Angle "I's" of Intensity, Integrity and Intelligence he could've won OLYMPIC GOLD like Kurt. And OF COURSE the crowd cheers for sex addict Mark. *sigh*...Attack by Mark from behind! Gorilla press after an Irish whip! Crossbody by Angle! Take down! Arm breaker! Reversed by Mark into a power bomb! Mark tries a regular powerbomb but Angle turns it into a Northern Lights Suplex! 1! 2! 3! Angle wins!
Vince rams the DX Limo! While shouting "Let's play the
game!"! He smashes windows with the bat! Vince is hardcore!
*CLICK!
SH!T! It's Kidman vs. Eddy~! Great, of all the times to get caught watching SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT! HOWEVER, I seem to be vindicated in my choice as they blow a leap-frog and Eddy ends up head-butting Billy in the nads. I'm pretty sure that WASN'T planned but Eddy~! covers by putting the boots to Kidman. Konnan and Torrie are outside watching btw. The Revolution is out! BEATDOWN ON KONNAN~! I FORGIVE YOU SHANE DOUGLAS! I'LL NEVER MENTION THE DYNAMIC DUDES EVER AGAIN! Torrie goes to check on Chalupa-Brains and wants Kidman to help her, inadvertantly stopping him from hitting what I'm assuming was going to be a Shooting-Star Press on Eddy~!. Eddy~! to the top! Superplex! Splash Mountain! It's over!
In the back...Creative Control has the tag belts...wtf? Hacksaw? Limo? Jarrett? WTF? Who gives a F*CK?
Btw, let me say now that as much as I hate Jim Duggan even I'm kinda embarassed for him. Not too much though. It'd be funnier if it were Hogan or Konnan.
Meng is WALKING! Lex is DIRECTING! A crane carrying Liz in a cage that
is. Are they next? Who cares?
*CLICK!*
Vince is going nuts outside the DX dressing room! Back in the ring and
*sigh*...it's the Godfather and his hos. There's an Asian one this week,
btw. That World Wide Filth sign guy is there again.
Only in today's wrestling climate can a PIMP be a face. Doesn't anyone
care that these women are PROSTITUTES? It's that male dominated society I
tell ya. I'm only bitching because the hos are kinda
ugly this week...=P Who's he wrestling?
*CLICK!*
WCW house show ads
*CLICK!*
Y2J COUNTDOWN! Break the walls doooooooowwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!! YES~! Chris Jericho~! vs. the Godfather...but first...RAW IS JERICHO as Our lord and savior runs down the pimp and his hos (which gives Y2J heel pops...*sigh*). Nothing match that Jericho~! wins with a Lionsault. Okay see, winning DOES make a difference despite what Russo says.
Drop the bat! Drop the bat! Cops try to convince Vince to calm down.
*CLICK!*
Meanwhile, on the other station, Meng is trying to bend "steel" bars to get at Liz. Because he's a dick, Lex offers Meng the key to the cage...TONGAN DEATH GRIP ON LEX~! Sting is in! Bat to Meng! He frees Liz! Lex acts like he's hurt! Liz follows Sting! What a slut!
Now would probably be a good time for me to comment on how Meng's new look totally reminds of how freak shows used to dress up Polynesians...
Goldberg is...TALKING!
Who's in the LIMO? WHO GIVES A RAT'S ASS!?!?! Commercials!
*CLICK!*
HHH attacks a handcuffed Vince! With the cops standing around!
What law enforcement! OVER ACTING!
*CLICK!*
The Outsiders stretch! They meet Goldberg and a mystery partner
tonight! I bet it's Sid.
*CLICK!*
Edge and Christian!
*CLICK!*
Lash LeRoux...oh yeah HE'LL make me stay tuned.
*CLICK!*
It's the Dudley Boyz vs. Edge and Christian (who really need a
team name). Samoan drop by Buh Buh, elbow, choke, illegal doubleteam leads
to a top rope head butt to the nuts on Edge by D-Von. Misawa rolling elbow
by D-Von...choke and Buh Buh is in. Chops (whoo!) followed by a big back
drop.
*CLICK!*
Lash and Disco Inferno...well, that was a mistake...
*CLICK!*
Sunset flip by Edge but no go on the pin. Edge is the face in peril as
the Dudz (heh) dominate. Simultaneous shoulder blocks ends up with D-Von
in control. But a go-behind and drop kick gives Edge the ummmm...edge.
Heel miscommunication leads to the hot tag! Christian in! Flying bodypress
(woo hoo!) off the top! Only two! Buh Buh with a big splash on Christian!
Modified 3-D! Edge in! D-Von leapfrogs a spear but he hits Buh Buh!
Reverse DDT on Edge! D-Von to the top! But Christian stops him! Christian
on Edge's shoulders! Superplex on D-Von! 1! 2! 3!
*CLICK!*
Doh, WCW house show dates...
*CLICK!*
The Rock is backstage with Al Snow and Mankind! Rocky tells Al to shove Head up his you know what. Feel the RATINGS! Al is not happy with all this...
Vince is being booked by the cops...Oh the humanity!
*CLICK!*
I'd rather watch a Castrol Oil ad than Test and Steph's wedding invite..ugh...at least the ad leadds to Creative Control out with that MYSTERIOUS LIMO! Duggan is busted by the boss for last week. Continuity! Continuity of a bad story yes but continuity nonetheless. I won't dignify this by relating it to all of you...
It's the Battle of the Nitro Girls! Tygress and Spyce go at it and frankly...I'm not aroused...because this is pathetic AND stupid. AND the match ends after an EYE RAKE???? That's SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT! New Nitro Girl Skye is out! She helps Spyce...and then whacks her from behind! Skye has got some long legs...
Meng talks with Mike Tenay! He wants Sting tonight in a no-DQ match. Sting can use his bat..."I will use my hands!!!"
It's Curt "Mr. Retired" Hennig. Hee...Spyce is still
being carried to the back while he walks to the ring. 80's guitar rock
lives! In Curt's music that is. Hug for Bobby...he's probably going to
talk...
*CLICK!*
Jeff Hardy vs. X-Pac!!! Lots to call so I won't. Anyway, the Hardyz cheat to lead to the Senton bomb but DX is out! Road Dogg breaks up the count! Billy Gunn with a gorilla press into an X-Factor! !! @! #!
More Vince and the cops...*sigh*...
*CLICK!*
Jim Duggan gets back at his boss. I won't even bother.
Oh F*CK it's Roddy Piper. Was he in the limo? Please let there
be something on RAW
*CLICK!*
F*CK!!!
*CLICK!*
Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Piper a heel
the last time we saw him? Wasn't he part of the Old vs. the Young
angle as Ric Flair's VP? Does anyone in the WCW care? Probably not.
Either way, Piper get's face pops from the Detroit crowd, sucking up to
them via
the pretender-to-contender-status Lions and the under-achieving Pistons.
Does he
have a reason for being here? Oh wait, he does. Piper runs down the new
front office
(known on-screen as the Powers THAT Be, and not the Powers
TO Be -- is Jim
Powers getting married or something? -- but known to you and me as Vince
Russo and Ed Ferrara),
saying that they only write about T&A and sex because they can't get any
themselves...and then
a semi-glorious miracle happens as Piper's mike dies. Unfortunately, it's
part of an angle as Tony
Schlamoley tells Hot Rod that the bosses ordered his mic time over. Just
to create more pain in
the brain for me, Roddy goes to confront the Jim Powers To Be...an Emmy
nomination is NOT
needed for Roddy's performance here. Roddy threatens. Russo (?) insults.
I'm torn. I kinda wished
this was a shoot and Roddy took the guy's head off but I derive pleausure
in making fun of Piper.
Piper has a contract that needs to be fulfilled. Russo says go ahead and
gives him a striped-shirt...
He's gonna make him work at Footlocker??? Oh wait, he's to be a
"lowly referee." Roddy
leaves and says "Yes Sir" a lot.
*CLICK!*
The Big Show issued a challenge earlier on Raw to anyone in the locker room. Kane apparently answered. OUCH! The Giant just dropped Issac Yankem on his ass. That'll screw up your spine. Viscera goes after Tori who was waiting on the ramp. Kane out to save her...COUNT OUT! Big Show retains and he celebrates by slamming Mabel.
McMahon the Younger speaketh with McMahon the Elder. What wonders this
cellular phone is!
*CLICK!*
Piper is STILL saying "Yes Sir" as he walks to his limo (he was the guy in the limo btw) as GOLDBERG EMPTIES HIS BAG! That's Sports Entertainment at it's FINEST! Sid is his partner btw. Trust me.
In the ring has Buff (Who Ain't) The Stuff taking on Booker
T. who must carry on the African-American stereotypes
in WCW alone as his brother is hurt and Norman Smiley is
HARDCORE....anyway, I'm lazy so follow the list:
stall, armdrag, stall, head lock, shoulder block, leap frog, kick,
Creative Control out, vertical suplex,
head to the turnbuckle, whip, Booker eats boot, clothesline, whip,
dropkick, both men outside, Buff to the railing, Harlem Side Kick!, flap
jack, break dance, distraction by C.C., blockbuster, oops match over...not
quite. C.C. in, clothesline, Curt Hennig in, bet he turns, pulls C.C. off Bagwell, gut shot and
Hennigplex on Bagwell. 1! 2! 3! The bell rings..ummmm..HELLO?
Anyway, beat down on Booker, lights out, on again, WCW shows it verstality
by having a FEMALE African-American sterotype. Mydnyght and Booker T.
take out C.C. She's a better wrestler than Stevie Ray I bet.
Yes folks, it was THAT exciting...
*CLICK!*
Triple H on the mic. Heel heat as he runs down Vince. Gay prison jokes, yadda yadda yadda. Shane out. Triple H must face the Acolytes tonight! Oh boy, I wonder if they'll get screwed? Hunter tells Shane to bring it, Shane does but DX puts the boots to him! Test! Brisco! Hardyz! Acolytes! As the dust settles DX is out of the ring...is Billy legit hurt?
That WM 2000 ad with the Rock is pretty funny...
*CLICK!*
Asya vs. Madusa. I won't even bother. Sign in the crowd: It's not real! thanks for the news tip...didn't know that...you've shattered my world. I hope a bunch of teenagers wearing Rocky shirts beat the crap out of you. Asya wins btw.
Dean Malenko has suddenly become xenophobic and threatens to burn the
Canadian flag after his flag match with Christ Benoit later
tonight. Funny, Dean represented "Europe" back the NWA tag title
tournament years back. USA! USA!
*CLICK!*
Val Venis and the Bulldog vs. Too Cool.
Ummmmm....why? Oh, it's to further their issue. Val leaves in short order
after Davey Boy clips him accidentally while performing a power slam. The Posse is
out...but they're taken out by Rakishi! I thought his name was
Rikishi Fatu? Either way, it's a fat Fatu dressed like a sumo
wrestler. EarthQuake splash! Banzai Drop! Michinoku Dri...er...CRZ said
that it's a sitout piledriver...who am I to argue with HIM?
Rakishi dances with Too Cool, showing us way too much of his exposed ass.
He's going to get over by virtue of his ass, isn't he? *sigh*
*CLICK!*
Dean Malenkoand Chris Benoit have their issue with flags added on top. Woudln't capturing the American flag make Chris a heel? USA! USA! Tony Schlamoley says that it's capture your own flag. Ummm..okay. Benoit with a gas can! Is he gonna BURN THE AMERICAN FLAG??? Hello? Chris stalls because apparently he's just realized that burning the American flag isn't too good an idea. Malenko sells the snot shots like they were stomps, btw. Malenko with a blow to the mid-section, Benoit chops. Into the corner, Malenko moves as Benoit crashes into the corner. Malenko goes for the CANADIAN FLAG. Will someone PLEASE tell me what the rules are for this match! Malenko is pulled down by Benoit into the Tree of Woe position. Nasty looking dropkick to Malenko's head. Both men back up, Malenko feints and drops Chris throat first on the bottom rope. Malenko grabs the Canadian flag! He spits on it! Is the match over? I thought...never mind. Malenko beats Chris with the flag as the Revolution comes into the ring. They're going to burn the Canadian flag! No! They're going to burn BOTH flags! Officer! Arrest those men! Bret Hart is in! He cleans house! The new sheriff is in town! Oh wait. Bret gives Benoit the Canadian flag then...PICKS UP THE AMERICAN FLAG, WIPES HIS ASS WITH IT AND BURNS IT! DAMN YOU CANADIANS! BLAME CANADA! BLAME CANADA! Waitaminute, Bret doesn't do that. After some thinking it over, Bret grabs the American flag and he and Benoit wave both flags like they were some kind of cheap Christmas bowl game half-time show.
I'm not sure if I should be insulted by the ActionAce.com commercial or
not. Let's see what AsianAvenue has to say about it...
*CLICK!*
Billy Gunn is apparently hurt and so now it's Test and Road Dogg
one-on-one with Shane McMahon the referee. Hey, that's not fair now is it.
Current trends dictate that even though the odds are stacked against the
heel, he should still come out on top. Gut wrench power-bomb by Test. Hey,
I just realized that there's still a bunch of stuff that needs to happen
on both shows. Test wins after Shane distracts Dogg. Test gives Dogg some
doggie-style dry humping before beating him with a pump handle slam. I
did NOT want to see that. And does seeing that make Stephie Mac happy or
sad?
*CLICK!*
Meng! Sting! It's clobberin' time! Meng dominates Sting! Liz is at ring
side. Missed elbow puts Sting in control. Dropkick puts Meng out of the
ring. Liz with MACE! But Sting stops her since apparently he's a face
again. Back in the ring! Stinger Splash! Lex is out! Tongan Death Grip!
MENG WINS! MENG WINS! HE SHOCKED THE WORLD! Well, not really, but I wonder
where this Meng push is going.
*CLICK!*
Rocky, being the suck-up to the fans that he is, names the People as
his tag-team partner against The Big Boss Man and Prince
Albert. Samoan drop and a spinebuster both get two for The Rock. Gosh,
I think maybe Rocky is over with the fans. Rock goes over the top! Big
Boss Man with a chair shot! Al Snow and Mick Foley watch in the back. Rock
is getting double-teamed into oblivion here. Big foot! No three. Pile
Driver! No three. Mick Foley is out! DDT on Albert! Both men down! Hot tag
to Mick! He's a house that is engulfed in flames! Double arm DDT! Socko!
On Bossman. Rock-Bottom! On Albert. People's Elbow! Mick pins! The crowd
goes nuts! Please no more half hour Rock-n-Sock promos!
*CLIQUE!*
The Outsiders are on my TV. The Clique rules Monday nights! Goldberg and his posse start walking! If he says his partner is the people, I'll sue on Vince's behalf since he's in jail right now. I still think his partner is Sid though....
SEE?
So it's Sid and Goldberg vs. the Outsiders. I can't be bothered to call anything since I am apathetic towards all four men. The end result is that Sid powerbombs Hall but Nash catches Sid on the head with an elbow and the Outsiders win, once again defying all logic since they're the darlings of wrestling. Would it kill you guys to job once in a while? Show is over!
Meanwhile, on that OTHER SHOW, HHH gets his patooty kicked by those good ol' boys the Acolytes (hey Barry Windham got released by WCW maybe he could join them) six ways till Sunday until he tries to run away, gets pasted by a Vince McMahon chair shot (ummmm...someone paid bail I guess, I must've missed that part) and dumped off the stage! Jean-Paul LeVasque is HARDCORE! Show is over!
You know, both shows featured mystery partners (well sort of mystery),
limos, T&A and mediocre wrestling. And I wondered why I wasn't watching
the shows as often. Vince Russo has left a big bad blotch on wrestling.
Yeah, maybe the guy helped elevate wrestling to where it is now but for an
old school fan such as myself, too much has been sacrificed to the God of
Sports Entertainment. *sigh*. Until next time...
SCOTT~!