The Caring Presence

The Caring Presence

Listening is the most important element of interpersonal communication. One study of a varied group of adults found that these persons spent, on the average, 70 percent of their waking day in verbal communication. Of this time, 9 percent was spent writing, 16 percent reading, 30 percent talking, and 45 percent listening.¹

Despite the importance of listening, most of us have had little training in this skill. We have been taught to read and write, but not how to listen. And many of us listen poorly. Extensive testing led one communications expert to conclude that immediately after an average person has heard someone talk, he or she remembers only half and two months later only one-quarter of what was said.²

The great psychologist Carl Rogers wrote, "Very early in my work as a therapist, I discovered that simply listening to my client, very attentively, was a important way of being helpful. So when I was in doubt as to what I should do in some active way, I listened. It seemed surprising to me that such a passive kind of interaction could be so useful."

In the course of our lifetime, many persons will need our help, and we can help a large proportion of these by simply listening -- if we know how. A truly helpful listener is "a caring presence" -- someone who is very much there for the other and who cares for the other but who does not intrude or impose. Here are some pledges that a caring presence demonstrates as he or she listens:

I have made this time for you
Have you ever gone to someone for help and found that they weren't completely there for you? You wanted to sit back and tell your story, but instead you felt rushed or made to share the time with everything else that was going on. Or perhaps the other person took over, and it became her or his story but not your story.

Persons who are caring presences show us that they have made time for us and don't begrudge us this time. They don't ask us to share this time with anyone else or anything else. They don't try to seize the stage to tell about themselves. They are quiet, listen carefully to everything we have to say, and hear us out.

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