The Caring Discloser

The Caring Discloser

Do you have a confidant or someone who is a "caring presence" for you? Is there someone with whom you can share some of your innermost thoughts and feelings?

Self-disclosure is the process of sharing self-referent thoughts, feelings, and experiences with another person. In disclosing ourselves, we come to know ourselves better. When we put our thoughts and feelings into words, they become clearer to us and even take on new and fuller meaning. We receive feedback from others, and this gives us a larger perspective.

Self-disclosure can enhance interpersonal relationships. We disclose to people whom we like, and we like others as a result of having disclosed ourselves to them. Those of us who engage in intimate disclosures tend to be liked more than those who are less disclosing.³

Psychologist Sidney Jourard, who pioneered this area of research, considered self-disclosure to be an important component of psychological well-being. Jourard became interested in self-disclosure because many of his clients told him that he was the first person with whom they had ever been completely honest. He wondered if there was some connection between their reluctance to confide in a close relative or friend and their need to see a psychotherapist.⁴

There is considerable evidence that traumatic experiences impair psychological and physical health while candidly and feelingly writing or talking about these experiences proves beneficial.⁵ It has been suggested that when we try to suppress a painful or anxiety-provoking thought, it becomes more intrusive than before. This leads to more efforts at thought suppression and further upset.⁶ In psychotherapy, telling about an upsetting event reduces its emotional charge, and repeated disclosure over time promotes assimilation.⁷ Other research suggests that worry impairs health while disclosure reduces worry and improves health.⁸

Having a confidant has been found to be highly important to the well-being of older adults.⁹ Women tend to be more disclosing than men,¹⁰ and in one study elderly males were less disclosing than young ones.¹¹ Males under stress may strive to tough it out, but silence is not necessarily a sign of strength. It takes strength to risk revealing oneself. To allow oneself to be vulnerable is an important human quality and one that facilitates intimate human relationships.

We all hide secrets. None of us is completely transparent, nor should we be. Disclosure requires discretion -- we share what we want to share and are comfortable in sharing and select an appropriate time and place and pace and person. The right persons are those who are true caring presences -- ones who make time for us, clear their minds of assumptions so that they hear everything we have to say, empathize and try to understand our world, and respect our ability to help ourselves. We pick a time and place when we can be fully in each other's presence, unrushed and undisturbed. And we proceed at a gradual pace in which we take turns, slowly revealing a bit more or going a little deeper as we learn to trust each other and ourselves.

Return to home page >>