Life Question 2

Befriend Yourself

As a clinical psychologist, I have worked with many persons who have come to me for help. Some were deeply troubled. Of these, I cannot remember a single one who had a good relationship with herself or himself. Not one was her or his own best friend. When they began to like themselves, I knew that they were getting better. When they began to take some pride in themselves, I knew that they were getting well.

Some time ago, I heard a comedian ask a group this question: "How many of you know how it feels to be the only person in a relationship?" This got a laugh and reciprocal relationships are important, but my clinical experience has made it clear to me that the most important relationship we each have is the one with ourself. How strange that many of us do not think of this as a relationship at all! How strange that in this relationship we sometimes seem least kind, treating ourselves in a way we would never treat anyone else!

Think about your relationship with yourself. You are always in your own presence, and just as you are aware of the world around you, you are aware of yourself. You think, you feel, you act. At the same time, you observe yourself thinking, feeling, and acting. But it's quite likely that you are not a passive observer. You intrude, telling yourself what you think about your thinking ("I've got to quit thinking about that.") You tell yourself how you feel about your feelings). ("It feels so good to let it all out.") You comment on your actions. ("I'm making a pig of myself." Or "I'm proud that I'm sticking to my diet.")

If you are a friend to yourself, you tell yourself things that are helpful for you to hear. If you are not your friend, you may not come to your assistance or -- even worse -- you may tell yourself harmful, hurtful things. Psychotherapist John Welwood writes that learning how to change or improve ourselves is less important than learning how to be with ourselves.² Are you a friend to yourself? Do you speak as nicely to yourself as you do to a friend? For example, when you make a mistake, do you tell yourself that nobody's perfect, that you can learn from your mistake, and other things that it would be helpful for you to hear? Or do you get down on your case and keep telling yourself how stupid you are? Some persons, I find, never hear a good word from themselves; they only hear put-downs. How would you like to spend the rest of your life with someone like that?

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