today i went to the symphony with my parents. i got some tickets (thanks to reese) last night and invited my parents to go since they never go out! well, once a year or so they might, for someone's birthday, usually mine because i MAKE them. I'm always trying to get them to go out and do stuff, most because i feel sorry for my dad, having to work so much, but also because my mom tends to get caught up in school or whatever it is she's doing and i know she secretly wants to go out and enjoy her self (all women do!) so that's what we did. it was christmas music, which i am quite fond of, and it was pretty short (about 1.5 hours?) so that was two good things. after the concert we went to eat at dixie grill, because my dad thought since we were out having a good time we might as well go eat too. i was planning to treat us to drive thru mcdonalds (gotta get those animals!!) but i am quick to adapt! i ate snow crab legs and the smooshed potatoes and beans that came with it. i actually ordered the combo with BBQ chicken half but hell if i was gonna eat that, i took it home for W's dinner. i also ordered him a big side of baked beans because i know he likes them and it made a more rounded dinner than just slab-o-chicken. not that he would mind, i'm sure.

so i was supposed to go to work yesterday and i was all ready to go. had my uniform on, had my bag all packed with my shoes, had my skates ready to go (w had the car so i skate to work sometimes) and then i realized i didn't have my hat. it was in the car, right up on the dash. i call w at work and he confirmed that it was indeed in the car but that there should be an extra one in his room some where. i looked but couldn't find it. i started to feel that way that i sometimes feel before work (and other things). i don't really know how to explain it. i feel like i'm going crazy but i know i'm not. i just get so... panicked, anxious... i feel like bad things are going to happen, i feel like i can't leave the house, i feel trapped but i know i'm not. i really don't know. sometimes i think i suffer from that uh... i forget what it's called. social anxiety disorder? something like that.. when you think everyone is staring at you? seriously, sometimes just the thought of going to public places-movies, restaurants, school- is so daunting... is that the right word? it scares the shit out of me is what i'm trying to say.

i can't breathe, i can't see, i can't stand... sometimes i force myself to go, sometimes everything is fine once i get there... sometimes it's not, sometimes i spend the whole duration of the event in a suppressed panic, trying not to pass out. most the time, like yesterday, i just don't go. i make some excuse as to why i can't or don't want to go.

lately, it's been happening more and more with work. i get there and i want to leave. i'm irritable, because that's how i deal on the outside, i snap, i bitch, i think i'm trying to control. i think it may be because of my neck. i'm afraid i'm going to get hurt more at work, probably because i do get hurt more at work. just being there makes me tense, but also doing the work makes me hurt. i feel better now, i've been going to physical therapy (rehab, W calls it) doing these daily exercises, i have this neat red rubber band thingy for strengthening. but then when i go to work, it's like i have to start all over again. last time i went to PT they asked me if there'd been any change since starting the sessions. no, no change, but i think that's because i went to work three days last week.

what the hell is wrong with me? i don't know, but everytime i think about it i think i'm going crazy.

i feel crazy now. but i'm not. i'm looking for stuff about isaac newton. i'm not having much luck finding out what i need. i'm finding a lot of stuff i don't need, such as newton most likely died a virgin. that's great. that's because he was gay. and he was supposedly very interested in the Bible and a lot of people say he was religious, i don't think he was. i think he was secretly very not religious.

chatted with vel for a while, mostly about xfiles and how it sucks. made plans for this week. teased him about being old, mostly because he is.

am still looking for stupid newton stuff but i'm about to forget about it and just go finish my homework with the mostly useless information that i have. then it's on to the next monumentous task.. studying for my finals!