I've been gone for a long time, at least from this journal. Actually if anyone's still reading this, don't get used to me being back, I'm not staying. I'm never going back to UH so eventually they'll figure this out and lock me out of my account and then delete it all. All my glorious dedication and hard work. Oh well.

Since this will be one of my last, if not my final, journal entry here, I wanted to say a few things. I've been busy downloading all my entries to save in my hard copy journal because I've decided to stop writing my personal thoughts on the Internet. Not that there's anything wrong with it. It's just not for me anymore. I still have my blog at Xanga, but I don't really write too many personal feelings and stuff in there. It's more like an actual blog, just something to stay up to date, note happenings, etc. Back when I started writing on line, I needed an audience. I didn't have anyone in my life that I could consistently count on to listen to me or be my shoulder to cry on, whatever you want to call it.

I no longer need an audience. I have someone to listen to me, to let me whine and cry and then slap me around (figuratively), tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself, then give me some decent and thoughtful advice. Back then though, my hypothetical audience provided by the WWW was what I needed and I thank all you hypotheticals for being there in my time of crisis.

I suppose it was inevitable that people would find out about this journal and over time I knew some people were reading, mostly relatives and friends, but that was ok too except that I allowed myself to occasionally be swayed by that. I would write things specifically because I knew certain people would be seeing it. Even worse was that I would NOT write things sometimes for the very same reasons. That's not cool. What good is a journal for your thoughts if you don't feel free to express them? With that in mind, I present my final thoughts that came to mind while looking over the previous years' thoughts:

I mention cigarettes and smoking sometimes, as if I smoked all the time. I'm really not sure why because I've never smoked. Oh I've smoked a cigarette here and there, I'll admit to that, but I've never been a smoker, as in have a regular habit of smoking. Smoking is not good for you and it was stupid of me to even do something like smoke a cigarette once a year or something even more rare. I'm not sure why it's important to be saying this, I just don't want the wrong message to get across here. I guess just in case I die and my kids are reading this or something. SMOKING IS DANGEROUS and BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. NO ONE SHOULD SMOKE...EVER! Ok.

Damn it is hotter than Satan's asshole right now. I just love that phrase. Don't ask me why, I just do. I think it's the visual.

I never loved Dave. In fact, I never really loved any of my boyfriends. Well, no, I loved Cory, he was my first love, so I loved him in that sweet innocent high school teenager way. We had fun together, we got in lots of trouble together. I did some pretty fucked up things to myself and others on account of him and our relationship and the feelings it caused in me. Not good, but live and learn you know? I'm a better person now because of it so there's no sense in regretting anything now. Regret is for before things occur. Remember that and you'll be much happier. Oh the reason I specifically mention Dave is because, like Cory, I did a lot of stupid things on account of him. Like leaving Seattle, that was probably the stupidest thing ever. Dave lied to me and misled me into thinking it would be in all of our best interests if I was back in HI. I should have listened to my brother. I should have dug my heels in and not let myself be chased out of Seattle by his and Mory's behaviors. I should have listened to my own advice and remembered that no matter what, time always keeps going and eventually time will solve most problems.

I'm not blaming Dave or anything, he was just being his usual stupid self. Really I'm mad at myself and I hate being mad at myself. I had a good thing going there and even though things got a little rough, I was a coward to leave and not see them through. Dumb dumb dumb girl.

Since I was on the subject of Dave. I knew I should have broken up with him back near when we first started going out and he told Chad I only deserved a 10 cent raise. You're a fucking dick Dave. That isn't hindsight either, I KNEW he sucked back then and I shouldn't be with him. My bad again for not having the self worth to follow through.

To Marie, I'm truly sorry. I'm glad we have gotten over this Dave issue (a long time ago actually) because you've turned out to be a better friend than he ever was. Anyway girl, I should have let you have him back because he wasn't worth my effort.

Really everyone, sorry to dog on Dave so much but you know what, he's been the worst friend. Dude, if you're going to lie and make promises to make yourself feel better by saying we can still be friends and crap like that, you better expect that eventually someone's going to call you on it. Well, I call BULLSHIT on you. And hey, I know it doesn't matter now but since I'm being a bitch, might as well keep it going and tell you that after you left for USC, Louisa was running around with Grant again.

That whole thing was messed up to begin with. First there was the night at karaoke when you guys first got together. You called and said you wouldn't be coming after all because your friends wanted to do something else. So immediately after getting off the phone with you, Lou calls up Grant and asks him to come. Then she has to stop the music and announce to everyone in the room that Grant is coming and she doesn't want him to know that she's seeing you so NO ONE can even mention your name at all. Haha that was freakin' hilarious. Then after you left, guess who was the one driving her around and going everywhere with her? Yeppers, it was Grant!

And finally and then I'll leave Dave alone. I've always wanted to ask Lou about this because she seems to be pretty open about this kind of stuff. Does she have the two minute problem too? I mean, I'm just curious. I don't really care that much I mean, it's a good thing you only lasted two minutes anyway because it wasn't that great and I probably would have fallen asleep if it went any longer. I faked it, by the way, in case you're remembering that one night. I just find it all so very amusing.

Before I move on, let's have a toast. Here's to not having the balls to say what you really feel. I mean seriously, who breaks up with their girlfriend after two years because they don't like their personality? That's about the lamest thing I've ever heard. It's not like I changed or anything. If it really did take you two years to figure that out, you're denser than I suspected and it's some kind of miracle that you got through school. In any case, I'd be afraid if I were one of your patients. I suspect there's really some other reason for the break up like you actually listened to Jessica and her stupid rumors about me fooling around. In that case, true or not, that's pretty lame to not have to guts to confront me on it and to just make up some lame excuse like you don't like my personality. Hey DK, you should be making money now. Since you can't grow a pair maybe you should buy one.

Ok, ok, I'll leave Dave alone now. Good riddance. I'm actually sorry I wasted so much time on him.

While I'm on roll, let's talk about Christy. Yah you girl. I know you've been going crazy over the years trying to figure out why I don't like you. I'm not sure why because I'm sure you can think of plenty of reasons why people wouldn't like you. I still remember that time you called me and wanted to know if you had done something to upset me and that whatever it was you're sorry. It was so much fun to NOT tell you just to see you get all flustered about it. Well, figure I'd do a good deed and put you out of your misery now.

So why don't I like you? Well, I'll leave out all the superficial things like the fact that you're wishy-washy and that you lie to your current boyfriend until you can establish a sure thing with the next guy and then suddenly dump the current guy for the new guy. That's your own personal business and if you think it makes you happy, which it obviously does not, every time I see you, you look like something even the cat refused to drag in. Whatever, do your thing.

I'll even leave out the fact that you and your stupid little high school friends thought it was all about your mission in life to follow me around and snitch me out to Cory while we were going out. I'm not saying the things I did were right but you guys took a little too much pleasure in your mission. I don't know if you were upset because I "stole" him from you (and no matter who did the breaking up, you know that's what happened) or if you just can't stand seeing anyone even remotely happy or what. Maybe you're all just a bunch of drama queen bitches and that was your way of stirring things up enough to keep yourselves entertained. You girls went way beyond "being a friend by telling" and exaggerated and even made shit up at times just to watch the shit hit the fan. Obviously your moms never taught you people to mind your own business. It's not like a murder was going down and it was your duty as law abiding citizens to report it.

Anyway, that's not what this is about.

No, it's pretty simple. You treated my brother like shit. From the very beginning you took advantage of his feelings and his devotion to you. I'm not saying he was perfect but no one is. I'm not upset about you guys breaking up and what have you. People do that. I'm talking about stringing him along for years to have him there to serve your purposes when you wanted. I'm talking about him having to leave the freaking state because you were too selfish to back off a bit. Even then you continued to mess around with his head and take advantage of his good intentions. It's like you just can't bear to see him be happy if you're not involved somehow.

Maybe that's what your whole problem is since I suggested this in that section up there about Cory. You are everything wrong with women all packed into one ugly vessel and that is why I don't like you. I never did, although I tried, for Mike's sake, and I never will, not that I waste all that much time thinking about you or anything. To be perfectly honest, I'd rather spend my time thinking about cleaning toilet bowls or something more worthy than your pathetic existence.

There you go, have a ball.

Oops, I forgot about Scott. I love(d) Scott too, I just often forget he was my boyfriend, which is a good thing since they were all pretty shitty. Sorry Pookie-poo!