since this is the last day of the last may that the year 2002 will ever see, i decided i should come document it for history's sake. it's kind of weird to think of days in that way isn't it? that never again, ever, will this day exist. well, in less of course, the calendar gets reset, but even then, it will only exist in name. somehow it makes the days seem all the more important.

Other Dave aka DC arrived on Sunday. Wednesday we had lunch at the Pinepple Room at Macy*s. it's like *nsync, only slightly less gay. which always reminds me of that day at work with Maylene when I said something was so gay. I don't have anything against homosexuals, i'm not homophobe or anything, but i do use the slang adjective "gay" a little more than often. This can probaly be blamed on brother dave aka DK because he and his friends have nicknames for several of their friends that involve the word gay such as The Gay, Gayness, and some one else that i can't remember.

speaking of Dk, W and I had lunch at Sumo with DK who is back from USC until Aug 19th. at least i think he said 19th. I had cold noodles since i'm not particularly fond of warm noodles, and 6 piece gyoza. W also had 6 pc gyoza but he ate one of them and then was busy working on his katsu curry. I, being the gyoza-fanatic that i am, reached over and snagged one of his gyoza after mine had already began to digest (W eats very slowly). Everyone (being W and DK) saw me do this because the slippery bastard (gyoza not W) fell out of my hashi and splashed cold noodle sauce all over my shirt, which, thankfully, was grey. I proceeded to eat the rest of W's gyoza because hey, it's like jell-o, there's always room for g-y-o-z-a. So, yes, i ate 11 gyoza, for those of you who are keeping count at home. W, after eating the choice pieces of his katsu, looks up and asks, "Where did my gyoza go?" I thought he was bullshitting me because it's not like i just slying stole his helpless gyoza one by one. No, after i dropped the one, i picked up the whole plate and moved it onto my empty one and then slowly ate the remaining flocklings. DK could not believe it either, that W had completely missed me moving the plate over to my dark side. hmm. oh well. he wasn't really going to eat them anyway. that's what i keep telling myself.

miss jen is also back, supposedly. I can't remember exactly when she said she'd be back. i thought it was the 28th, but i do remember she mentioned she'd be back for my birthday. she hasn't called yet, but like all visiting hawaii people, she must be very busy.

speaking of b-day, today i got three cards in the mail. actually one came yesterday but i didn't check until today. i got one from Dave-id, my prison pen-pal in Texas, one from my great g-ma and g-pa weems in the great state of Mississippi, as well as one from my g-ma and g-pa, also in MS. The latter had lots of fine glitter in it which fell all over my freshly washed jeans and my previously sauced grey shirt. I also got my present from my daa on tuesday when my parents returned from their vacation. three new pics of David Duchovny, one autographed, and a cool alien bead necklace from mardi gras. although it is not yet my b-day, i am feeling pretty old. everytime a new semester starts and we have those stupid class introductions where people ask how old you are, i feel old. this is because everyone (it seems) is 19, 20, 19, 19, 18, 21 (ooh), 20, 20, 20, etc. Sure, there are a few older people, like my mom's age, but they don't count, because they are the exception, they are obviously older. Me, i am not, i always get the comments like "oh, i thought you were my age, 19." which was an actual comment received today. i know, i know, it's better that way, if people think you're younger than you are, it means you still look young. it's not that i want to be old or anything, it's just that i have these ideas in my head of what it means to be a certain age there's that ever expanding timeline in my head of where i want to be at 30, at 40, etc and the closer i get to those ages, the more it seems i have yet to accomplish.

something this i want to do before i'm 30: graduate!! (haha), get married, have a child, buy a new car, get a real job.

i suppose i'm doing pretty well. i don't want to get married before i graduate, i don't want to have a baby before i'm married, i need to graduate before i can afford a car, and before i can get a real job. it's a good thing i'm almost finished with school. by the time i graduate i will be half way to 25, it seems so close, but at the same time, being that i'm about to turn 24, it seems so far. funny how time works. three months after i graduate, W and I will have been together 2 years, living together almost as long. At this point, graduation is the only thing holding me back on the marriage thing. I do want to marry W, i know he thinks about marrying me, if not in such a concrete way, at least in an abstract, in the future kind of way. i don't know what kind of goals he has in his head, he doesn't share them freely. then again, i don't either, except of course with my handy dandy journal here. i'll have to ask him someday soon, but not right away, after i graduate, before our two year mark.

one night a few months ago, although it seems like only yesterday, but i remember we were still upstairs at the time, i asked W if he loved me. Not because i didn't know, but because i just wanted to hear him confirm what i've known for months. i don't mean known in the way like "i think he loves me, i hope he does, i have convinced myself that he does." No, but in a way that i can't put into words, but that i just knew. that night, talking with him, things became more clear and suddenly years of wondering and struggle and pain all seemed to make sense. suddenly it was all worth it. it was on that night that i knew, for certain, that W was the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I knew. it was so simple, it wasn't magic, it wasn't surprise, it wasn't lightening, it just was.

i thought about it before, of couse, what girl doesn't? this guy is great, this relationship is great, so much better than anything, ever, it would suck if something happened and we broke up, i think i'd like to marry him, i wonder what our kids will look like, what does our future hold. But, i will admit, i have thought those things before. I think women do that. i think they think about all these things long before the relationship is anywhere near what it should be to be considering those types of things, but that's what makes women romantic and woman like. but that night, it was as if i put everything from the past away, in a box, not to be forgotten, but to be stored under the bed, in a closet, rarely opened and then just for a quick laugh and a smile. CJ, DC, DK, CKC, S... one by one, packed away, the lid put on, the box tucked under the bed. Not that i don't love them, because i do, but not like i thought i did. after that night, my attitude changed, not to say there was anything wrong with it before. i think i just realized this is it. i don't have to worry about being hurt, i don't have to worry about my feelings for anyone else confusing me. i can give myself completely, i can love W completely, i can be loved completely.

it's the strangest thing, it's the greatest thing.