zummi and I are together again. After all this time, I feel more comfortable than I ever have with her despite the uncertainty of everything. Relationships are a risk that offer great rewards..and finally I'm willing to take that risk with her. It took me a long time to get to this point.. and I really feel I couldn't have reached it any other way. I'm just glad zummi has stuck around despite all my crap. I don't know where we'll go from here but at least we'll have a shot at going as far as we want.

that's from scott's journal. i was catching up with his entries, since i tend to let my reading lapse for weeks at a time. i just really like it... i like talking to scott because first of all, he's actually smart and capable of carrying on a real conversation, second because he is one of the few people who understands me and appreciates who i am and doesn't feel the need to change me. also because he occasionally says things like ^that^ which actually made me feel pretty good about the whole DU thing.

speaking of, before i start going off about that again, i better go get some sleepy stuff.. i have insomnia i think.. i think too much at night and i can't sleep. it literally takes me hours to fall asleep and then i can't stay asleep. then when i wake up i can't get back to sleep. i think too much, i can't shut my brain off. i think about all kinds of crazy stuff, mostly about the whole situation with DU and about all the mistakes i've made, and how i would be different if (hell froze over) and i actually get a second chance with him. i have a lot of pretend conversations in my head during these sleepless times. things i'd like to tell him.. it's like i'm planning. then when i wake up in the morning, i decide that it probably wouldn't be the wisest thing to burden him with these tearful conversations of mine. also there's the fear factor, which is discussed in previous entries. also i think about other things ok, i'm not obsessed, despite what my twin, RO says. he's crazy anyway. i think about how much my job sucks and what i'm doing with my life and what i want to do with my life, but i'll admit it, mostly i think about DU and it's been that way since this problem of mine started, back in Jan 00 when i moved to Seattle. it wasn't quite as bad when it started but it's gotten progressively worse. that seems kind of redundant. oh well.

so back to my sleepy stuff. DU because he is so helpful (he really is), gave me these pills of his, suggested i try them for my problem. the first night, i didn't fall asleep any faster, but i did stay asleep once i got there, but i woke up way too early (after a few hours of sleep) and couldn't go back to sleep. the second night i fell asleep after about an hour or so, which is total improvement, and again slept thru the night. but the morning sucked, i could not get up. i slept as late as i possibly could, was late for class. the third night was way better, fell asleep within an hour and slept great, woke up fairly easily in the morning. didn't take any last night because i knew i had to wake up in 5 hours to go to work. had trouble falling asleep. so tonight we'll see how it works, since i'm off tonight (tonight, not today) and i don't have plans (surprise, surprise) so i have lots of time to sleep before work tomorrow morning.

these pills smell so freakin nasty, but they taste great! yah, right! smells like shit, tastes like shit. well, not that bad, but they're pretty gross. but if they make my brain shut up long enough for me to sleep, well, sign me up. i only have 11 more doses left! i suppose i'll have to go buy some more. i kind of don't like the idea of perpetually taking pills to sleep though, i'll have to find a more permanent solution later.

after i take a nap. haha

so it seems someone has a crush on me. so says my amazing supervisor uh.. what should i call him... can't call him RO, already have one of those... hmm... let's call him... uh.. CYF. wait, i think we already called him that, or something like... yah good. okie. so CYF, who likes to spread rumors, told me this.. well so did mark. so anyway... CYF asks, why don't i just tell him that i have a boyfriend. well, because i don't, i reply. "liar" his standard retort when i say that. mark inquires into this... i'm dating someone in my mind is how i put it, i think. which is as close as i can describe it. i don't have a boyfriend, i'm not dating anyone... but i'm not available? i don't want to be? i don't think i could be even if i tried. anyway, i don't want to get into this now. my point here is that, and i know this was a problem with DU... i feel weird just coming out and telling some guy that i have a boyfriend, because that's pretty much like saying, "you haven't said so, but i'm being very conceited here by thinking that you're interested in me" i have lots of friends that are guys, simply because i get along better with them, for the most part. the problem with that is that, a lot of times, they are interested in something more and just use the friendship thing for evil purposes. DU always told me that these guys liked me and stuff, but i just didn't think so, and i didn't know how to approach it. honestly though, he was right. i guess it's like listening to your mother. you don't realize it (or you don't want to admit it) until it's too late. often though, they really do just want to be friends, and that's cool too. i like my friends, guys and the few girls, i'm glad i have them. but they're hard to find sometimes. hard to weed out i guess it is. i guess i should have just said, "sorry, not interested" because even if i were available, i wouldn't be, but that's something else i have trouble with, really, who doesn't? it's so mean.. i hate rejection and i hate making others feel it because i know first hand that it sucks.

i keep forgetting to call DC. well, not forgetting, but remembering too late. i suppose i could try now, but sometimes he's not up when i think he would be. plus if he's up now, he's probably out and i don't want to bother him. speaking of.. i've been changing names around. i think they're still pretty obvious, but i think i'll make like a little characters page, with like a little description for all the main characters in my life. hehe that would be fun, maybe. i like to make extension pages. later. so changes... d=DU, dave, he has other names too, but anyway... i had to start calling him DU because there's other dave who's name is DC but in personal correspondence i call him d san/chan, and because he is always so paranoid, i don't want him to confuse the two. well, anyone else either, because not that that would be an especially bad thing, just because, i said so. okie.

my job sucks so bad. i get no respect. my manager thinks i'm a shift manager when actually i'm an assistant manager. that's really annoying. because really, it's not like i'm paid well, i have shitty hours and a whole long list of other things. in short, the only thing i have going for me is the title. but i suppose it's really no big deal, even if i did get recognition for that, my job still sucks ass. i can't wait til may.

i need to start lifting again. i'll put that on my list of goals. right now on my list is establish somewhat regular sleeping habits and figure out the school thing. oh also, get out of debt. the school thing is something that requires thought, mid-term planning (as opposed to short/long term), and a little physical work (such as finding out where the hell the college of arts and sciences has relocated to??). debt, well, that's something that i get into every other friday and the sleeping thing is my active, everyday problem solving thing. i'm getting better. so you shouldn't try to change too many habits at once because you'll end up overwhelmed and you'll eventually fail. you have to be gradual so that you can adjust and work it into your life, ensuring long term success. after the sleep thing, i'll work on the lifting thing. oh, also something i am actively doing, water drinking. i'm very bad at this. i don't drink enough water. actually i don't drink enough anything. today for example, i had approximately 12 oz of black coffee, and 24 oz of water. all day, that's it. terrible. that's because i forgot my water bottle at home and i forgot to ask DU to get me some when he brought my lunch/dinner. so don't think i'm some slacker ok, i do more than one thing at once.

so tonight, rather than ramble on about me and DU as i had planned i am going to work on that aforementioned characters page. it won't be up for a few days because, well, genius takes time, rome wasn't built in a day, and besides, patience is a virtue.