sometimes I hate my mom. This morning she was pounding on my door, screaming my name. She wanted me to take her to school. Why she doesn't tell me these things the night before, I don't know. Why she doesn't call me, I don't know. If she called, I'd at least have a few seconds to get up and brush my teeth or whatever. Instead she comes down, at the last minute, usually at the time she's supposed to be in class, and tries to wake me up by pounding on the door. Today I've determined that the reason she does this is because she wants me to be at her beck and call. She thinks that I should look at her schedule and just be up and ready to take her to school, if she should need a ride. See? She doesn't even need a ride everyday. Yesterday she didn't even go to school, so if I did what she wanted, that is get up and be ready for her, I would have gotten up for nothing.

I don't know if i should hate her or pity her. Is it her fault that she's like this? why is she like this? If i knew which of the two I should choose, i would know what to do with her.

She never takes the blame for anything, everything is always someone else's fault. It's my fault she never finished college the first time. it used to be my brother's fault, then my dad's fault, now it's my fault.

slinkyfiles: pooper
PiperSkyGod: poopertoo
mom is crazy
es?
do you find yourself torn between pity and hate?
Often
when i'm older and richer, i think i'll have her committed
What is she doing now?
well she's at school right now but i'm beginning to understand her motives for doing things
I mean, what is she doing this time that is crazy
and they're really disturbing
like the way she wants everyone to kowtow to her
everything she says is right and everything she wants is right and you should agree and do it because she said so
you should always believe her over everyone else because she's the only one who is correct and knows what's best for you
but you shouldn't even be concerned with what's best for you but you should care about what's best for her because she gave birth to you
even if she was a horrible mother, which she'll never admit to, because she got pregnant and had you, you owe her your life
all loyalties should be to her and her alone
yep
why does she do that?
you know what else she doe?
she constantly complains about grandma and what a horrible mother grandma was but i really can't see any reason why she should think that
because if i were grandma and mom were my daughter, i probably would have killed her
because the way she acts now is the way she acted then
what she told me last night about doing something because everyone else thinks she did, that just showed me that she hasn't matured at all from the time she was 17
she always wants what she can't have you know
that's why she hates ed so much
because she has him
she thinks she's still in love with dad and she still wants him
but when she had him, she divorced him
Yep
she ran off with sarah's dad but then she didn't want him
so she went back to dad, but then she didnt' want him
she chased after ed because she couldn't have him
then when she finally got him, she doesn't want him
she tells us love ed because i said so
and then she says hate ed because i said so
hate your dad because i said so
hate your family because i said so
Yep
she always complains that grandma never validates her complaints
she says she just wants her to say yes, ok, that happened
but grandma never will, she always says that she's exaggerating or imagining things
yet when you say something to mom, she says you're exaggerating or imagining things
when i say mom you were never home, you were either working or at eds
she says that only happened once or twice
sometimes she'll say that she remembers what i'm talking about but it wasn't nearly as bad as i make it out to be
then she'll justify what she did and why she did it
and that's supposed to make it all better
or she'll blame dad, if your father had paid his child support blah blah blah
like that night she came home drunk
she still insists that she was sick
once she admitted that it was from drinking a certain drink or whatever
but she still wouldn't say she was falling down drunk
it's always, that's because of this, that's why
she can never take the blame upon herself
it's always someone else
if she fails in school, it's ed's fault for not cleaning the litter box
if she's late to class, it's my fault for not reading her mind and waking up earlier to take her to school
yeah
it's my fault she didn't finish college the first time
she actually told me that
she usually blames dad for that oen
but she said it was my fault
how the hell was it my fault? i wasn't even born yet
or i was a baby or something
It used to be my fault
does she know how that makes me feel?
Now she changed the story so it was you
or does she know and does it on purpose
yah and you know of course she was an outstanding straight A student onthe fast track to med school
Yep
but she keeps contradicting herself
she was complaining about her "test anxiety"
which is the biggest load of bullshit i've ever heard
she told me she's always been slow in school
but then in almost the same sentence she tries to tell me that she used to be like me, smart and getting good grades
with little effort
she blamed it on her age and dropping hormone levels
i told her she was never like me
then she tells me i'll be old one day and dumb like her
like that makes a lot of sense
it's like she just can't accept the fault that she's just an average person of average intellegence
is it because if she did, she'd have to admit that the brains came from dad?
That's half of it
do you notice how she always puts down dad's looks
to say that we're lucky she looks the way she does otherwise we'd have his looks
you're lucky you didn't get your dad's nose
your dad did too much drugs
if anything's wrong with you, it's his fault
I remember the time i found the weed in her drawer
She was all "that's your dad's. I found it in his car"
oh yah the joint with the lipstick on it
Yep
in her tupperware
Right
remember the time she made you dig ed's nudie calendar out of the trash?
how sick is that
Yeah
and what's with her aversion to mental health workers?
they're crazy, not me
they said i was crazy
except for the one guy who said that she was going to have to accept the fact that she was smarter than most people
funny how he's credible yet everyone else is not
yeah
what's really stupid is one of her complaints is that they just tell you what you want to hear
yet she doesn't realize that that guy told her that becuase that's what she wanted to hear?
it's not that he was saying she is that smart
it's that he's saying, if that's what she believes, she's going to have to deal with it
Yes... She definitely has to deal with that
yah that's why i'm going ot have her committed so she can get help
She can hang out with Wayne's mom
haha
wayne's mom would drive her nuts
she's always dissing wayne's mom for being crazy
Yeah, it's a bad idea to make fun of people, because chances are you're as dumb as they are and you just can't see it.
yep
it's really irritating because at least wayne's mom is only harmful to herself
she's crazy and all but she never tells wayne things like she HAD to carry him around for nine months
she never blames him for ruining her life
Never blames him for somehow sneaing into her belly
instead she's like most parents where having children was a joy and responsibility taken upon themselves
yah
i swear, if i could go back in time, i'd ask not to be born
She once said she would never blame us for ruining her life because we didn't ask to be born
Then she started doing it

I really should have her committed. Not because it will get her away from me or anything, but because that's the only way she'll get help. She's got some kind of hate towards mental health people. You know why? because they tell her she needs help. She hates that so she says they're the crazy ones, not her.

There's nothing wrong with my mom, it's always something wrong with everyone else. I have an attitude. I used to be a nice sweet girl until one summer. I forget which summer she says it is. When I was 11 or 12 or something. Not when I was a teenager which is what most parents would say. She used to say it was when I met CJ or when I became interested in boys. Now she keeps brining up this particular time. You know what's great? She's probably right. That's probably the major turning point in my life and attitude. Did I get worse? Probably. But really it's hard to say because when you're a kid, you're different. Everything is different, but you get older and wiser and you lose your innocence and you see that the world isn't a great happy place where everything goes your way.

You know what happened that summer? The summer I changed? The summer I lost my innocence, I guess you could be cliched and say. That's the summer my uncle molested me. How do you like that mom? You want to blame someone for me and my attitude? How about your fucking brother. But I can't blame my mom for that because I never told her. Because in my family, we don't do that. We ignore things or we blame others. I've often thought about what would have happened if I told her. She would either tell me i was exaggerating or she would tell me I was lying or she would make an excuse. After it happened, that's what I did and I still do. I make excuses for him. I feel sorry for him. I told myself that things wouldn't be better if I told, things would be worse. It would break my grandparent's hearts, it would ruin his life. It's better for me to suffer than everyone else along with me right? After all, telling won't make it go away.

One day I'm going to need therapy and lots of it.