i am soooo stupid sometimes. sometimes i think i should just take down my past journals because then it would be a little harder for me to look at them and reread them. i hate rereading them, but i don't take them down because it's a good learning experience to be able to go back and look over yourself. so i was looking back at the year so far, last year. a year ago, d broke up with me. at the time, it was okie, i mean i was hurt, yes, it wasn't what i wanted, but it seemed to be the right thing to do at the time, given the choices, which weren't all that great, mind you.

the other night at work ro told me that i never admit that i'm wrong and i never say i'm sorry, and it's really annoying sometimes. so that of course got me thinking, because for the most part i don't really pay attention to what people say to me, but there are certain people that i like or at least respect and so their opinions and thoughts sort of matter to me... i think reid is one of those people, don't ask me why. so, i told him the truth, that i do admit i'm wrong sometimes, and i do say i'm sorry, when i am, but in this case, i wasn't sorry and i didn't think i should lie to him and tell him i was sorry when i wasn't. it wasn't really anything, but i'll tell you anyway. a girl called and ordered from UH. she wanted a small pizza with two toppings, so i sold her a medium pizza with two toppings. when i got off the phone, reid expressed uh, i dunno, he was upset that i didn't offer her the "uh special" which is a large two topping pizza but is 3 bucks cheaper than the medium two topping. so i told him that i never offer anyone the special and that she wanted a small so i'd assume she didn't want a large. he said now she wouldn't order again and i replied that i didn't care. he said he did. so then he takes the order and gets back to the store and tells me that thing about being sorry and wrong and stuff. he is right about me not admitting i'm wrong. for the most part it's because i don't think i'm wrong very often. not to say that i'm always right, i'm not as conceited as most people think i am..

the thing is, being wrong or right, in my view, is rarely very definite. right and wrong is, most often, a matter of opinion. reid thought it was wrong to not offer her the special, i saw nothing wrong with it. to be right and wrong, you need a more definite question. 2 plus 2 equals four, right. 3 times 4 is 23, wrong. that's right and wrong. i can almost guarantee that everytime someone thinks i'm wrong, there is someone who agrees with me. maybe not in the same room at that time, but someone. the thing about me being wrong, i don't go around telling people you're wrong and i'm right.. not usually. i mean, people have opinions, that's their right, who am i to tell them that their opinion is incorrect. how can an opinion be incorrect? i don't think it can. it wouldn't be an opinion then, it'd be a fact, well an incorrect one, but you see what i'm saying?

sometimes though, i am wrong, and sometimes i'll even admit that. not very often though, reid's right about that. it's human nature, most people have problems admitting that they are wrong. that's why guys never ask for directions, because they don't want to admit that they were wrong about knowing where they were going and got lost. it's a problem yes, but i never said i was perfect.

i think i bring this up because i know that's a problem that d has/had with me. i always made him feel like he was wrong and i was right, everything was his fault. but it wasn't and i knew it wasn't. i just have a think about being right. but like i said it's a problem. i'm working on it, but it's tough you know? there are a lot of things that are human nature that people just do, because that's what people do. try changing one thing like that with yourself, it's not the easiest thing to do.

i've been thinking a lot lately, of how things went wrong with us. i do this a lot, almost constantly, it's like i'm obsessing about it, in fact it may be safe to say that yes, i am obsessing about it. but seriously, how would you feel if you realized you'd lost the best thing in your life? what can you do? not much, you can sit around and obsess about it. i'm sure there are healthier things to be doing, but my response is not to figure out what those things are. another human thing, we like to know what happened, what went wrong, what caused this tragedy. take a look at any airline accident, or the current submarine sinking japanese training vessel thing. why? what caused this? what went wrong? who was driving? who was in charge? was this is? was that it? the reason, so we don't make the same mistake again, so we can avoid this kind of happening in the future, i think that's just a cover. i think that's the logical answer but i don't think that's the real answer. i think that it's part of the grieving process, it makes us feel more in control of something that's now out of our control. we can't go back and change the past, we can't undo the wrongs that have occurred, but somehow, in our amazingly confused brains, we think that if we can put together the sequence of events, if we can overanalyze every second preceding the disaster, that we can make it right.

in my case, it's not as tragic, relatively speaking, i mean, no one died, certainly not multiple people. a ship didn't sink, a plane didn't crash. it's not on the nightly news, on all the front pages, no one cares and no one should care, except for me. and d, or at least, i wish he'd care. not to say that he doesn't, i don't know. i'm afraid to talk about it because, i think i've said already, i think i know how he feels and i don't think i can deal with that right now.

CYF told me some stuff a few nights ago that also got me thinking. one of the things that he told me was that dave was really hurt about the fact that i had a boyfriend on the mainland. i told randall that was after he broke up with me. but later, i was chatting with scott and he told me that after a guy's girlfriend goes out with another guy, things are never the same. in my defense, i have to say that, i never went out with anyone until after dave broke up with me, and after that i did because it's my thought that when someone breaks up with you, it kind of means they don't like you anymore and don't have any interest in you.. other wise, why would they break up with you?

but i can see what scott's saying. and you know, if i could, i'd go back and i wouldn't have gone out with anyone, ever, while i was gone, but of course, i can't do that. but i'm sorry that i can't, i wish i could. i do. i'm sorry that i hurt you, i didn't mean to, i didn't want to, but i can't change the past. one of the things that sucks about real life.