i hate hate hate people telling me what to do. i hate being told that i "need" to do something. especially being told that i "need" to do something that i already know i need to do. i'm not stupid and i'm not five. i hate when people forget that i've made it this far with little assistance from them and usually when i do need their help it's because of some situation that has to do with them, in other words, if i stayed away from them, i wouldn't need their help. i think they do this on purpose, i think they like having me dependent on them, i think they like that i owe them something. it fucking pisses me off.

i hate the fact that i'm upset that d took his ex to a movie tonight. i hate the fact that it caught me totally off guard when he told me, that as much as i tried to hide my reaction, i think he caught it anyway. i hate the fact that i spent the whole night watchign the clock and telling myself that it didn't matter, that i was fine with it. i hate the fact that it's not because i'm jealous, but i don't know what it is. maybe it's the thought of him out with someone else doing the things that we do, used to do, well, we still go to movies, as friends, which is what i guess he did tonight with her, but now i can't think of it as something special, between the two of us. maybe that's what it is, because even though he's said straight forward that he isn't interested anymore, i can still interpret his actions and tell myself that there's still a chance for us. but maybe this just makes us and our actions and activities "normal" and that scares me because that means it's over over and i don't want it to be over over.

and i need to talk to someone but i don't have anyone to talk to. i want to talk to dave but i don't want to bother him if he's still out. besides, what would i tell him? but you know what's really stupid is i'm going to go call him now. i wish i wouldn't because he already said he'd see me tomorrow and i'm trying to be good and not bother him and stuff because i'm trying to show him that things don't have to be like before and that i'm different and i can change and i have changed and i can look back, we can look back, and see what worked and what didn't work and we can have another chance, i can have another chance because i really need one. and i think that we were really special and i think that you can't just let go of something like that so easily and maybe i just imagined it all and maybe what we had wasn't so special and maybe he doesn't see it that way. and why don't i just tell him these things? what am i so afraid of? it's not like i'm gonna lose him, i already did that. but maybe he won't want to be my friend anymore, but are we really friends? sometimes i feel like he is just being nice to me because he feels guilty about what happened when i first got back. maybe i should ask him. maybe i should just tell him to come read this haha.

i think that he doesn't want to lose his freedom, his friends, he gets to see his friends a lot, all the time. he doesn't have to worry about me unless he wants to, he doesn't have to care unless he wants to. i know he's busy with school now and everything. why can't i just be happy with what he's willing to give me? why do i have to be so needy? exactly what do i need from hm anyway? you know what? all i want is for him to hold me, to put his arms around me and kiss me. i want to be able to touch him, more than just poking his arm. i don't want to spend all my time with him, i don't have that much time anyway. in fact, i think things are pretty good now, the way they are.. i don't want to take up all his time, i don't want to take him away from his friends, i just want him. i just want to be his girlfriend again. i want to be his, i want him to be mine, i want us to be us.

the age old question: why do i want someone so bad who doesn't want me?
does he really not want me? or does he not want what he thinks things would be like? sometimes i think that's what it is. because really, if you are comparing to what it used to be like and if you are thinking that that's what things will be like, well then yah, i wouldn't want it either. that's why i left in the first place, because it got to be too much. it was hard, i needed space but i didnt' know how to ask for it. i didn't know how to get it without hurting him and i didn't want to hurt him but i needed it. and it hurt me to hurt him and it hurt me to push him away because really i didn't want to but i needed to. i had to or i was going to hurt him more and i was going to end up doing more damage, it was going to turn into something that couldn't be fixed. i had to leave so that when i came back, it could be fixed. i had to take a step back to get a perspective. but then i guess that's the risk you take right? that when you take that step, the other person now gets a new perspective as well and you know what? when you figure it out and when you come back all happy because now you know... well, that person might like that other perspective. the problem with stepping away is that sometimes you can't step back in.

so should i call him or not? should i just wait and see him tomorrow? rex is watching me type this, maybe he has some advice? i'm sorry that i yell at my mom sometimes but i really wish she'd learn another phrase for "you need to..." i wish she'd stop asking me for money because it makes me feel really bad because i just don't have any. for anyone, including myself.

what am i doing.