i've had an epiphany. haha what a funny word.

shaemus was visiting. he got here on monday and just left this afternoon. that was fun. we went to todai and had sushi (SUSHI!!!) which was yummy. it was way better than the todai we went to in anaheim. they had more food and stuff... although i think there was more sushi at the one in cali. i love sushi, you can never get enough of it. my dad drove us thru waiks and around downtown one night, that was pretty cool. my dad drives a tour bus for one of his (three) jobs so he knows all the interesting little facts about waikiki and other areas, plus he just knows all kinds of crazy things anyway.

took shaemus to see his movie chocolat which was pretty good. playing at the varsity which means either really good or really boring. it's anyone's guess what's what. yesterday we went christmas shopping at ala's. well me and d did, and shaemus came along. i got d a nice black polo shirt and he got me a nice blue backpack. i like it a lot, it's pretty nice and it has curved straps so they fit better. after shopping we went to hard rock cafe and ate hard food. ahaha, just kidding, it wasn't bad.

went to nto (formerly neo) for my new (formerly old) job. it was boring, just like last time, but the sup who did it, cyf, i shall call him, is pretty cool, so it was about as fun as it could possibly be.

cyf talks about d a lot. all good things of course, i don't think anyone could say bad things about d, even if they tried. made me kind of sad. i miss him so much. i think this year in seattle i've pretty much thought it was guarans that the only reason we broke up was because we weren't together and when i got back to HI things would be like before.. i know it was stupid to think that way, but deep down i'm an optimist. so i'm pretty bummed. especialy since being away really gave me time to think about things and about how they were and what was wrong and what was right and how i would change things when we were back together again.

so back to my epiphany... we're walking around ala moana, me following d, with shaemus behind me ... i realized, besides the part about really wanting to get back with d, because i've never been even nearly as happy than when i was with him (i just didn't realize it then) and i know that with him, i have the happiness that i'm always looking for. but besides being a secret optimist, i'm also a realist... wanting d back won't get me anything unless he feels it on his part, which he has made it clear that he doesn't. so i have a standard to hold everyone up to, i know that happiness is possible, so why should i settle for anything less? i shouldn't and so, i won't.

i'm wondering if this all makes sense, it makes sense inside my head.

i don't know what will happen with me and d. i can do a lot of things, but telling the future is not one of them. i do know i've been doing everything wrong and i now that i realize it, i can stop, and i will. for now, i know it's not going to happen. i have to deal with that.