A guy approaches the owner of a bar and says he'd like to play the piano there in the evenings.
The owner says, "Play something for me, so I can know whether you're any good."
The guy plays something and the owner says, "Yeah, that's not bad. What's it called, by the way?"
"Screwing Sister While Mom's in the Bathroom."
"Hm..." The owner scratches his head for a moment, then says, "Play something else."
"Don't Spit It Out, Honey, It's Protein."
Well, there's no doubt that the piano player is pretty good. So the owner says, "I'll give you a try this evening. But don't tell any of the customers the names of your songs."
So everything goes great, and the customers all like the music, and the piano player doesn't tell anybody what the songs are called.
Then after the break, when the piano player is coming back from the rest room, a young woman whispers to him, "Do you know your fly is unzipped and your cock can be seen?"
"Do I know it?" the piano player asks. "You better believe I know it. Hell, lady, I'm the guy that wrote it!"
"The point he made was that suicide should be the only capital crime. The suicide challenges all of society. The suicide exterminates existence."
"I'm not an alcoholic --- I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings."
"Catalysts are very powerful. People don't realize. A catalyst can take a bowel of water and change it into a crystal."
"Philosophy, psychology. They're pretty much the same thing after all."
"This computer they're thinking of will be light-years faster than existing computers. It can take a calculation that would take longer than the age of the universe to complete on an ordinary computer, and it breaks it up into millions of parts that are done simultaneously in millions of parallel universes."
A guy walks into a bar wearing a nice tie. There's a bowl of peanuts on the bar.
The peanuts jump out of the bowl and spell: "Nice tie!"
The guy calls the bartender over and says, "The peanuts just spelled out, 'Nice tie!'"
The bartender says,
"Yeah, the peanuts are complimentary."