The NLP Forgiveness Pattern

Newsgroups: sci.psychology
From: Lee Lady
Subject: The NLP Forgiveness Pattern
Summary: A technique to enable a subject to forgive.
Date: Mon, 3 Jan 1994 20:26:45 GMT

Someone asked me to send him the NLP forgiveness pattern. Normally I am not willing to do this sort of thing because it requires a substantial chunk of my time. But due to special circumstances, in this case I made the effort to type it all out. Having done so, I may as well share it with everyone.

It will perhaps give a better idea about how NLP uses the concept of submodalities than the more abstract articles I have previously posted.

Is there someone that you would like to forgive for something he once did to you but somehow you find yourself unable to forgive him?

This new pattern was developed by Steve & Connirae Andreas and participants in the 6 day Andreas Intensive, March 1990. It is useful for for someone who is angry or resentful (blaming), particularly if it is long-standing and the person who harmed the subject is out of his life, or dead, etc.

General Frames. The goal of this pattern is to bring peace and resolution to the person feeling anger or resentment. Forgiving others (or yourself) does not mean condoning the behavior that harmed you, or giving up the values that were violated. An important part of the pattern is to reaffirm your own values and criteria and use them to choose ways of coping resourcefully. The resolution and integration that forgiveness brings will make it easier to take effective action to uphold your values and standards in the future.

1. Resentment/Anger.

Have the subject identify the person and the incident he is still angry at or resentful toward and with whom he would like to reach a feeling of forgiveness and resolution. Have him take a moment to notice how he think of this person and incident now. (Calibrate to subject's nonverbal responses.)

2. Forgiveness.

Have the subject identify an experience of forgiveness in his past. There are two major choices for this resource experience: a) ``You once resented someone, but when you think of that person now it is with a feeling of forgiveness and compassion.'' b) ``Someone harmed you and you forgave them right away because you recognized that they harmed you accidentally, or that they were doing the best they could, etc. For instance, a small child hurt you and you instantly recognized that he couldn't possibly understand the consequences of what he did.'' (Calibrate to client's nonverbal responses.)

3. Contrastive Analysis.

Compare the experiences in steps 1 and 2 above to determine the submodality differences between the two.

4. Test Submodality Differences.

One at a time, change the submodality differences of the resentment/ager experience to make it like forgiveness. Notice which submodalities are the most powerful ``drivers'' in changing resentment/anger to forgiveness.

5. Ecology Check.

``Does any part of you have any objection to reaching forgiveness with this person?'' The most common objections are of three types: a) Forgiveness would mean condoning the harmful behavior and violating the subject's values and standards. You can either assure that this pattern will take care of this objection later or jump ahead to do steps 9 -- 11 before proceeding. b) Forgiveness would mean something about the subject, for instance that he's a wimp, etc. Reframe. c) Forgiveness would eliminate a positive function, usually protection from a repeat occurence. Separate positive function from forgiveness and provide specific ways to accomplish this function.

6. Step into Second Position (``Other'' Position).

Have the subject first observe himself and the person who ``harmed'' him from the outside (third position) briefly. Then have him step into the other person, noticing what he learns that is new. ``What additional information do you get about how this person sees, hears, feels things?'' (This will be much eaier and more effective after aligning perceptual positions, if you know that technique.) ``Do you realize that this person (and yourself) was doing the best he could in this situation, given his background, limited knowledge or motivation, etc.?'' Take time to be sure this presupposition is in place. Satisfy all objections --- at least conditionally --- before proceding to step 7.

7. Transform Resentment/Anger into ForgivenesS

Transform anger into forgiveness by ``mapping across'' all submodalities, starting with the more powerful ``driver'' submodalities you identified in step 4. As you do this, be sensitive to any objections or reluctance and deal with them before proceeding.

8. Test.

``Think of the person you used to feel resentment/anger toward. How do you feel about him now?'' Calibrate to the nonverbal responses, comparing with what you observed previously at steps 1 and 2. Usually the incident of harm will now be in the past while the person will often be in the future in a more positive way.

9. Identify Important Values.

``This person that you just forgave did something that you didn't like, which means they violated your values/criteria. Pause now to identify those values and confirm that they are still important to you.'' (If you have any hint that part of the subject's problem lies in inappropriate or perfectionist standards, pause here to evaluate and possibly revise standards, as in the guilt and shame patterns.)

10. Plan Specific Responses.

``Given that these values are important to you, what can you do that will uphold these standards in the future? Effective action might include preparing yourself for future situations, educating the person who harmed you, or protecting others who might be harmed in the future, etc. Decide what you are committed to doing in the future to uphold your values.''

11. Future-Pace Responses.

Have the subject rehearse what he has decided to do in future situations so that it will occur naturally and spontaneously in appropriate future contexts.

12. Final Ecology Check.

``Is what we have done satisfactory to all parts of you? Are there any objections, or are there any details still unfinished for you?''

13. Timeline Generalization.

If the subject has had many experiences of resentment/anger, it can be very useful have him to take the experience of knowing how to forgive, float up over his timeline, then drop down onto the timeline before these other experiences of resentment and anger occurred. Have him move forward through time to the present, as his unconscious transforms these experiences. This ``re-sorting'' process can have a dramatic impact on a multitude of past experiences and also install forgiveness as a ``through time'' ability that becomes part of the subject's sense of themselves in the present and future.

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