By Jon Wood
Ka Leo Contributing Columnist
Like the
handful of students who regard the Ka Leo as their only source of news, I have
come to rely on the Campus Beat column to keep me abreast of the week's
electrifying events. And like so
many of you, I am left to wonder if there is something more to these pithy tales
of woe.
To
better illustrate this dilemma, I have compiled an exhaustive list of examples.
The segments in bold are actual excerpts from Tuesday's campus security
log. I have since added conclusions of my own device in an effort to provide a
more complete picture.
Friday, Sept. 1
10:18 a.m. Two men were caught taking
breadfruit from Lyon Arboretum. Phoenix security guards released the two men
without getting their names… One guard regrets the oversight, adding,
“What if I run into one of those guys on campus?
I’ll be like, ‘Hey,’ and we’ll start talking and the whole time
I’ll feel like an idiot for not getting his name.”
3:13 p.m. A fire was reported in a stove vent in Wainani F tower. The fire
was put out by a neighbor before fire crews arrived… The neighbor
then took it upon himself to upgrade a friend’s cable service two days before
the guy from Oceanic was scheduled to show.
Saturday, Sept. 2
3:11 a.m. A man called the Suicide Crisis
Center to ask for help for his friend. His friend's girlfriend passed away from
cancer as he was talking to her on the phone. A counselor spoke to the man and
said the friend was not in danger…
adding that tech stocks are a sound
investment, Wendy’s makes the best fries, and Marisa Tomei hasn’t come out
with a bad movie yet.
Tuesday Sept. 5
2:20 a.m. A male was found sleeping in
woman's bathroom in Johnson Hall B. The man was visiting and drinking with his
girlfriend when he accidentally entered the rest-room and fell asleep…
When asked about the shirt he was wearing, the male explained that it was
a gift from his girlfriend. It was
later revealed that this was the suspect’s first girlfriend and that he still
hasn’t gotten over the novelty phase that accompanies any new relationship.
9:10 a.m. A female reported that a male had been following her to class and
trying to touch her… In his defense, the male confided that he was just
sick and tired of being “it” all day, adding that ‘no master-backs’ is a
corruption of the game.
2:20 a.m. A male was found sleeping in
woman's bathroom in Johnson Hall B. The man was visiting and drinking with his
girlfriend when he accidentally entered the rest-room and fell asleep…
When asked about the shirt he was wearing, the male explained that it was
a gift from his girlfriend. It was
later revealed that this was the suspect’s first girlfriend and that he still
hasn’t gotten over the novelty phase that accompanies any new relationship.
3:58 p.m. A homeless man was found sleeping in Hemenway. The man left upon
request… Minutes later, the man obliged a student’s request and sent one
out to Janelle from Brandon, adding, “I’ll always be true.”
Wednesday, Sept. 6
12:05 p.m. A Freeman guard found what
looked like a bomb in the parking structure. The package turned out to be a
fireworks ball…
The guard
later uncovered a large toy robot, which, upon closer inspection, turned out to
be one of those deals where the five small robots fit together to form a larger,
more impressive robot.
3:01 a.m. A 1989 Toyota Camry was broken into behind Burns Hall between the
hours of midnight and 2:30 a.m. A skateboard valued at $75 was stolen from the
car… Authorities have no
leads as to identity of the suspects, much less any idea why someone would
target an ‘89 Camry with a $75 skateboard in the back.
Thursday,
Sept. 7
7:58 a.m. Three people were caught climbing the hand statue at the Stan
Sheriff Center. Climbing the statue was part of radio station I-94's prank...
Other failed pranks include I-94's launching of a Top-40 radio station that
appeals almost exclusively to twelve year-olds whose parents just signed up for
“wonderphone.”