The
Truth about a Child's Compulsive Lying
by
Dr. T. Quek
Children
lie. That is a fact most parents would attest to. They don't seem to need instruction
on lying; they don't need encouragement to do so. They just do. Children
exaggerate, twist the truth, hide the facts, manufacture stories, and deny the
obvious.
Lying
ought to concern us. Yet what concerns us most is when a child lies compulsively.
By that we mean that a child lies frequently or for no apparent reason. Parents
subject to compulsive lying become suspicious and distrustful of their
children, and the children conversely become more unruly and more dishonest.
Once the cycle of lying and distrust is in full swing, it is difficult to find
a single way in which the cycle may be stopped. That is the primary purpose of
this pamphlet: to initiate a process of thinking through why a child lies, and
then find the help necessary in discontinuing the behaviour.
Lying
As An Indicator
Before
we consider why children lie, it is essential to recognize that lying may be an
early indicator of a more severe problem. Compulsive lying has often been
indicated in the early stages of children suffering from social behaviour
disorders, primarily that of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder and Conduct
Disorder. The current space does not permit a detailed discussion of such
disorders. Suffice it to say that in such cases, compulsive lying usually accompanies
other problem behaviours such as stealing, cheating, aggression, violent temper
tantrums, skipping school, constantly losing items, and poor behaviour in
groups, social settings or with authority figures. Problems such as
impulsivity, an apparent inability to link consequences with behaviour,
inattentiveness and discomfort with social situations may be at the heart of
lying.
In
such cases, the immediate intervention of a qualified counsellor who is able to
work with children is required. Such counsellors would be able to provide
parents with specific parenting styles and a deeper understanding of the
problem they face. In addition, the child will receive age- appropriate
psychotherapy, and be connected with medical specialists providing the necessary
services.
Why
Are You Lying?
Recognizing
that there are "special needs", however, only allows the parent to
seek more help. There are still some fundamental reasons why children lie
compulsively.
1.
Fear. Fear is a common motivator for lying. Consider the child who lies because
she fears that her mother would "blow up" at her, or that dad would
take privileges away, or that the teacher would send her (or her friend) to the
principal's office. Such fear may be rational or irrational, but the effect of
lying is similar - a temporary shelter from punishment.
What
do we do about fear motivated lies? Consider two important implications. First,
children who lie out of fear usually know that they have done something that is
wrong. This provides an important clue for parents responding to the lying
child. Consider that the child's problem is not in knowing what is wrong, but
in resisting its temptation. Claiming "I've told you more than a hundred
times..." does not help children deal with the heart of the error or
disobedience. It merely alienates them. Parents have to get beyond the lie, and
address the behaviour that "necessitated" the lie in the first place.
Second,
parents may need to accept that their children lie because they are afraid of
their parents' temperament. It is not surprising that constantly angry,
shouting, rigid or restrictive parents often encounter compulsively lying
children. Allowing room for negotiation, compromise, listening before accusing,
and keeping your volume down usually helps in paving the way for more honest
communication.
2.
Habit. Lying can also become a habit formed through constant practice. It is
possible that a child can "lie by reflex", and when confronted insist
that it is the truth. Habitual lying is often strengthened by hostile
confrontation. One of the most effective ways of dealing with habitual lying is
to give the child an opportunity to retract the lie without fear of
consequences.
3.
Modelling. Lying is a commonplace behaviour, and children are subject to lies
all the time. The problem is that children learn to lie through experiencing
others lie. The dilemma is that it is impossible to shield children from lies.
One parent who limited her child's friends to those who did not lie reduced the
number of approved companions to just one, and that under close supervision!
One
potent source of modelling, however, is from within the home. There is an old
proverb that says, "What parents do in moderation, children do in
excess." "Moderate" lying is thought of by many parents as
harmless (such as a "white" lie, or a "harmless excuse") or
mistakes (such as an unkept promise), or even purposeful and calculated
distortions of the truth ("I had to lie because..."). Children,
however, do not appreciate the nuances of a lie. Since it is difficult for
parents to control the lies that children will encounter outside the home, it
is more useful to start eliminating lies from within the home. Make telling the
truth a priority both in instruction and by example.
4.
Overprediction. Children also lie because they overpredict a reaction. One
child said, "I know mom would say 'no', so I lied." In reality, mom
would merely have asked more questions and given her permission! One of the
most productive ways of addressing overprediction is to provide a child with
clear boundaries, and yet emphasize that these boundaries are negotiable.
Making up the rules as you go along, and far too many "don'ts" and
restrictions can promote lying behaviour.
Do
I Punish Lying?
When
we get to the "bottom line", many parents want to know if they should
punish a child for lying, and if so how. Recall that one of the main motivators
of lying is fear. Many children choose to lie because it seems the lesser of
two evils, and they imagine they could get away with it. In a sense, lying is
punishment-avoidant behaviour. The dilemma regarding punishment for lying is
that the parent may risk reinforcing fear, thus increasing the likelihood of
lying in the future, rather than decreasing it!
In
addition, there is the risk of confounding the message of the punishment. While
the parent is saying, "I'm punishing you because you lied", the child
may be thinking, "You are punishing me because you found out the
truth." For the child, punishment is not associated with lying but being
found out. The next time around, the child finds new ways to misrepresent the
truth, and the parent is left in a quandary of suspicion and distrust.
Consider
some important issues regarding punishment and lying:
1)
Punishment is most effective in limiting habitual lying (discussed earlier)
since punishment is designed to reduce a learned behaviour. The problem is that
punishment is not designed to teach and reinforce an alternate behaviour.
Punishment without loving and careful instruction is a useless tool, and one
that often leads to excessiveness and abuse.
2)
Punishing a lie when it is motivated by fear, modelling or overprediction tends
to be ineffective in the long run. Seek the deeper motivation for the lie and
work at the source rather than the symptom.
3)
Use punishment as the last option, not the first reaction. Parents are often
surprised how soft messages excel in impact over hard messages. For example,
"You really hurt mom and dad when you lie," is often more effective
than, "I'm really going to hurt you because you lied."
Above
all, recognize that the purpose and desire of every parent is to encourage
honesty. That is a characteristic, not just a behaviour. When all is said and
done, we want our children to love the truth, not to fear it; and to hate lies,
not merely the punishment that lying brings.
Train
up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from
it. Proverbs 22:6
Author:
Dr. T. Quek
Copyright
(c) 2002 Dr. Timothy Quek.