Darwin Award Winners
Here’s a story lifted from the internet, compliments of Art Bell, a late night talk show host in the Nevada area.
No affiliation with Heavens Gate, or UFO's!
DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1996The Darwin Award is an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the greatest service by accidentally killing him or herself in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s award (1995) was won by a fellow who was killed by a Coke machine that toppled over on top of him while he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. This year’s nominee (1996) earned the honor as follows: (This is a true story, so don’t try it, okay?)
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but upon close examination, they determined it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene, but the lab analysis was able to figure out what had happened.
It seems a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take-Off--- actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra push on take-off from short airfields. He had driven his Corvette into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed, then fired the JATO.
The facts, as best determined, are that the driver hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This fact was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt and evidence of jet fuel at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Corvette to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 to 25 seconds. The driver (soon to be pilot) probably experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become ineffectual for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (20-25 seconds) before the driver applied and completely annihilated the brakes, blowing out the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
So, where’s a parachute when you really need one? Maybe the 1997 Corvette will have an “EJECT” button!
DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing/injuring themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO (rocket) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the roadbed.
And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles -- one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across.
Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.
Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to the floating lawn chair.
He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.
Things didn't quite work out that way. When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level off at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet.
At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.
Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.
Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."
Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
Click here to go to www.ArtBell.com.
On the night of May 15 1999, two college girls had plans to go to a going away party at one of the colleges dorms. But plans changed because one of the girls had an extra final report to do. So the other girl didn't want to disrupt her friend from doing her work because it was only 3 weeks until they graduated from college. She called her boyfriend to pick her up from the apartment that they lived in because the neighborhood they lived in wasn't exactly paradise. It was more like the ghetto. So her boyfriend picked her up and they both reached the party at the college dorm at around 12:00 am. They danced, drank, and did all those things that college students normally do. It was around 2:00 am, when the girl asked her boyfriend to bring her back home so she could pick up some female necessities. So the boyfriend gave in and drove her back to the apartment. They reached the apartment at about 2:15 am. The boyfriend asked the girl if she needed help to go up to her apartment.Being the brave lady she is, she politely said, "No thank you." So the boyfriend waited in the car while the girl went to get some things from her apartment.
She went into the apartment, she decided to not turn on the light because she knew that her friend was up all night finishing her report. She didn't want to be a witch and wake her up. So she just walked into the room that she and her friend shared and got some make-up and some money. She closed the door to the room and then the apartment. She walked back down to her boyfriend and they both went back to the party. The girl and her boyfriend got back to the apartment at around 11:00 a.m., and they noticed that police and ambulance surrounded the compound. They didn't suspect anything because police was common at the apartment because of drug dealers. They just thought it was just another drug bust. But as they got closer they noticed that all the police officers were around her apartment room. So she ran to her room. Breaking away from the police officers that tried to stop her. To her disgust, she saw her friend on her bed, she had been stabbed and sliced up.
And on the wall above her friend, there was a big bold message written in blood that said...
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First, the ladies may rack up all the points since ladies always go first. So here's the men trashing section about men being terribly sloppy, terminally lazy, and utterly idiotic.------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old men meet on a street corner.
1st old man, "Where have you been for the last couple of months?"
2nd old man, "I was in jail."
1st old man, "You in jail, how come?"
2nd old man, "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman, points to me and says, "He is the man officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me.
1st old man, "What, and you let her got away with it?"
2nd old man, "Well, I tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted it."------------------------------------------------------------------------
When asked "What kinds of clothes are there?"
Women will answer "Clean and Dirty."
Men will answer "Clean, Almost Clean, Sorta Clean, Not bad, Dirty, Really Dirty, Funky, Nasty, Biohazard." (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes.)------------------------------------------------------------------------
... and my personal favorite for the women's side...------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day while taking dictation, the new secretary noticed her boss's fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and see that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a tiny, disabled veteran sitting on two shriveled little duffel bags."------------------------------------------------------------------------
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OUCH!!! That guy got it bad! Now it's the men's turn to compliment on women players, home wreckonomics, and the too well known bad drivers.------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you do when your dish washer stops working?
- You smack her upside the head!------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her in bed with another man. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"------------------------------------------------------------------------
... and my number one joke for the guy's (and ladies, remember that this is all in good fun)... Here it is...------------------------------------------------------------------------
USA Today reported that scientists have revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn't drive.------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't talk about driving because I'm pretty wreckless myself. Here is a bonus that trashes both sides...------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man and an old woman are relaxing one day on their porch, in their rocking chairs. All at once the old woman reaches over and hits the old man, knocking him out of his chair.
He asked her "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "That's for 45 years of bad sex!"
The old man climbed back into his chair and began to ponder what had just happened. After about 15 minutes the old man reaches over and belts the old woman hard enough to knock her completely off the porch.
"What the hell was that for?" she screamed.
He answered "That's for knowing the difference!"------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another bonus... This one has nothing to do with the battle.------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------
During an oral math quiz, the teacher asks little Tommy "If there are three crows sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them with a bee-bee gun, how many will you have left?"
Tommy says, "Well, you won't have any because the other two will fly away."
"Well", says the teacher, "The answer is actually two, but I like the way you think, Tommy".
So Tommy says, "Ok, now I have a question for you, then... There are three women, and they all have an ice cream cone. One of them likes to lick the ice cream, one of them likes to bite the ice cream and the other likes to suck the ice cream. Now, you tell me teacher, which one of them is married."
The teacher looking embarrassed and perplexed finally says in a faint voice "Well, I guess the one who sucks."
So Tommy says, "Well, the answer is the woman with the ring on is married, but I like the way you think too, teacher."------------------------------------------------------------------------
... I believe the out come of the battle of the sexes is equal, meaning everyone is equal regardless of sex, race, religion, and age. I hope you enjoyed it and remember that it's all in good fun and I don't believe in stereo type's. I also want to make sure no hackers give me a visit because of putting together this joke. PEACE!!!
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Halloween party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with everyone he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife slided up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars for a little workout. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
PS: Homey!!! Don't let your friends borrow your costume!!!------------------------------------------------------------------------
***Bonus***
Subject: Here goes Johnny being smart in class again...
A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am," he says, "... but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.#2 - Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Accoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.#6 - Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).#10 - Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.#11 - Law of Inherent Combustability
Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corrallary -
Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corrallary -
Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".#12 - Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.#13 - Law of Energetic Emission
There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.#14 - Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly porportional to its size.#15 - Law of Inexhaustability
No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.#16 - Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corrallary -
The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corrallary -
Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corrallary -
Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo. (* Note: The Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff need to get out more. *)#18 - Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 galons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.#19 - Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.#20 - Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignifigant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.#21 - Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses really aren't tactical geniuses...#22 - Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.#23 - Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults and almost always twice as annoying.#24 - Law of Antagonistic Americanthropomorphism
The really nasty 'Bad Guys' are always skinny Americans.#25 - Law of Americanthropomorphistic Intellectual Inferiority
The stupid 'Good Guys' are always big Americans.
First Corrallary -
The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect)
Second Corrallary -
The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.#26 - Law of Mandibular Proportionality (from a_hicks@lvc.edu and utmwilliams@msuvx1.memphis.edu)
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking.#27 - Law of Feline Mutation (from a_hicks@lvc.edu)
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1) be female
2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any#28 - Law of Conservation of Firepower (from utmwilliams@msuvx1.memphis.edu)
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.#29 - Law of Technological User-Benevolence (from utmwilliams@msuvx1.memphis.edu)
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.#30 - Law of Melee Luminescence (from utmwilliams@msuvx1.memphis.edu)
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.#31 - Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism (from utmwilliams@msuvx1.memphis.edu)
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.#32 - Law of Follicular Chroma Variability (from spellweaver@mail.utexas.edu)
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.#33 - Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
*ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.#34 - Law of Probable Attire (from ???)
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow.
Whenever there is a headwind, a Male character will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
First Corrallary (Cryo-Adaptability) - (from ???)
All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy body armor or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corrallary (Indecent Invulnerability) - (from Nyctomania@aol.com)
Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.#35 - Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they have never attempted these things before.