There it sat upon my bathroom counter. My throbbing head spun with frustration. It was the longest fifteen minutes I had ever encountered! Fearfully, I awaited the right moment to peek into the container and examine the results. I eagerly stared at its aw kward shape and remembered how difficult it had been to fill the pencil-like cylinder with my urine. I checked my wrist-watch, and realized that it had already past my fifteen minute mark.

"Oh God, what if the results are positive?" I thought. I nervously inhaled a deep breath and tiptoed toward the exam. My eyes were tightly glued shut the moment I reached the counter. I immediately picked it up, and sat cross-legged upon my coolly-tiled b athroom floor. My hands trembled as if a maniac were holding a gun to my head. I pinched the plastic miniature-sized, ruler-like marker which stood inside the slender cylinder filled with my urine. Eagerly, yet ever-so carefully, I raised this magic wand before my tightly shut eyes. "All right," I proclaimed, "I'll open them on 3. 1...2...3... It's pink! Wait a minute," I anxiously thought. "What the hell does this pink mean?" I hurriedly searched for the box in desperate need of information. "Where is th at fricken box!" I screamed. I knelt to search the untidy wastebasket, practically sticking my head in the smelly container and found the empty box lying beneath the sticky, scattered pile of rubbish. "Okay," I wondered aloud, "What does this pink mean? O h no, it can't be, oh my God, I'm pregnant!"

My tense body shook all over. Beads of sweat began to form over my eye-brows. The thought of pregnancy caused an aching in my stomach. I hysterically ran to my bedroom, hid in my closet, and cried the biggest, saltiest tears I had ever let out.

Abortion automatically invaded my mind. I thought of times which I had spoken against abortion, and how wrong I believed it to be. I remembered high school classmates who got pregnant, and chose to terminate their "mistake". But most of all, I remembered how others, including myself, would tease and criticize their choice. Now that I was in this predicament, I honestly grieved for the torture they must have gone through the moment they realized they were "with child". I looked at abortion with new eyes.

Slater was the only person who knew of my pregnancy. He was extremely supportive and greatly understanding. We decided to keep the truth between us. We knew our unplanned pregnancy would disappoint everyone, most especially our parents.

As each day quickly passed, my decision for abortion grew greater. By the end of my first trimester, I decided on having the procedure done. I attempted to make arrangements, but then realized that Slater had to know.

"Are you serious?" He surprisingly exclaimed. "I'm not ready to be a mother!" I responded, secure in my decision.

"What do you mean 'I', aren't we in this together?"

"I've already make up my mind!" I whispered.

"I can't believe you! You're nothing but a selfish BITCH!" The phone went unbelievably dead. I couldn't believe he had hung up on me! "Am I being selfish?" I wondered aloud. He has never called me a "BITCH" before! It hurt so much that my heart felt like a ton of lead, and my eyes inevitably began throwing up rivers of tears which drenched my fluffy pillow into a heavy pile of wetness. I sat at my bedroom window and thought of the many possibilities before me. It was such a beautiful day, that for a brie f moment I forgot all about my pregnancy and the argument with Slater. Outside, there was a mango tree filled with juicy, ripe mangos ready to be picked. An adorable silver-grey cat frantically climbed up the mango tree, and found a spot just right for it to lay comfortably among the branches. It had no cares nor worries. Everything seemed perfect for that cat. Then suddenly as it was about to fall asleep, it lost its balance and fell heavily upon the ground. It let out a loud scream and ran underneath my brothers parked Honda. I wished it well.

A few weeks later I made arrangements to see a doctor. Slater wasn't speaking to me so I went alone.

"How old are you?" The doctor asked with a concerned look.

"Nineteen," I responded.

"Oh, so you're just out of high school, huh?" she sarcastically asked.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I said in defense.

"Do you know who the father is?" She asked.

"Of course I do, my boyfriend for two years! What kind of question is that, anyway? I thought you were here to help me not lecture me! You're not my mother!" I said in a stern voice which surprised her. It surprised me as well.

"I'm sorry Jesse, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."

"Yeah right." I sarcastically said.

"Do your parents know?" she asked.

"That's none of your business, is it? I just came here to have a check up, and to learn about my choices. You know what, I'd like another doctor please!" There was a loud commotion out in the waiting area. Everyone out in the hall had heard our conversati on. My temper was flaring up and I wasn't about to talk to someone who had bullshit written across their forehead.

An hour later a thin, well-groomed middle-aged doctor called me into his office. He was the head of the clinic.

"Hi Jesse, I'm doctor Bicker," he calmly said.

"Nice to meet you sir," I lied.

"Well, what do you want to talk about?" He surprisingly asked. At first I wasn't sure of how to respond, but his calm voice and down-to-earth manner made me feel comfortable and somewhat curious.

"Well, I'd like some information on abortion," I said in a cracked voice. Dr. Bicker was so intelligent and professional. He didn't make me feel like a young, stupid individual which the other doctor surely had done. Instead, he carefully went through ste p by step of the procedure, and also offered other options which he thought were better alternatives.

"You know Jesse, you'll have to make up your mind by the end of your second trimester. We don't terminate after 6 months I think you should talk to your parents about it first. I understand that it's your decision, but why not get other peoples' opinions first?"

"Do you think I'm stupid? My parents would kill me if they knew!" I responded in a desperate voice.

"All right, but at least discuss it over with your boyfriend or someone in whom you trust." I left the clinic with a sour and desperate feeling. How could I have been so fricken stupid! What am I going to do! Tears began swelling up in my eyes. Never befo re had I felt so alone. A month before the end of my second trimester I began feeling my unborn baby move. It was a wonderful sensation. A warm feeling which caused tingles up and down my spine. It felt like a soft massage upon my belly. I cradled my stom ach and sang to it softly. "Why me?" I whispered. "I'm just not ready!" At that moment I had a desperate need to be held by my loving mother. Oh mommy, I need you right now." I cried. I gathered up what little courage I had, and made the attempt to call m y mom.

"Hello." She sweetly answered.

"Hi mommy! It's me Jesse."

"Oh, hi baby, I've been trying to reach you." Her voice sounded sharp and uncomfortable, as if she knew something. How's school?" she questioned.

"It's okay, I guess." I lied , no one knew I dropped out months ago.

"Oh," she responded. This conversation was beginning to make me nervous.

"Do you have something to tell me?" she asked again.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if you're not going to tell me, then I'm going to ask you myself!"

My stomach began to bubble and my throat ran dry. "Did Slater tell?" I wondered. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. I pictured my mother sitting at the dinning room table back home on Maui. Her weary eyes were the color of red hot flames, and her leg s began twitch. "Oh god!" I pleaded. "Get me out of this!"

"Hello....Jesse....are you there?" Her voice woke me from my dream

. "Yes mom, I'm here," I obediently answered.

"Daddy and I are coming up to see you this weekend. We want to talk with both you and Slater." I began to panic. "She knows!" I thought to myself.

"What about?" I innocently asked.

"You know!" She quickly responded. "Our flight is at 5:45 p.m. We'll be reaching O'ahu at 6:22 p.m. Slater already knows. We'll speak to you then. Bye sweetie."

"Wait a minute mom!" I screamed, but it was too late, she had already hung up.

"OH SHIT!" I screamed out loud. I was frantic! My mind started to go hay-wire! "Slater, you dam fool!" I said to myself. I truly believed that he had told them. I quickly dialed his number, but only got his answering machine. Slater and I hardly talked an ymore. He was extremely "pissed" about the fact that I wanted an abortion. I still loved him, but I was caught up in such a mess that I wasn't really thinking about anyone but myself.

My parents arrived exactly on time. I didn't see Slater at the terminal until I found my parents. He was already having an intense conversation with them as I approached. They stopped talking when I reached them. Everything around us felt unpleasant. I wa s loosely dressed, hoping that it would hide my now 5 month protruding stomach. The terminal was filled with families awaiting the arrival of their loved ones. The fragrance of sweet, succulent plumeria leis filled the warm air. I could almost taste the s mell of sweet, hot juicy malasadas which visitors were giving as gifts to their families. "Man am I hungry!" I thought. Children were wild at play, and the blaring sound of impatient taxi drivers sent goose bumps down my cold skin.

I greeted my parents with a kiss, and quickly noticed the look of disappointment in my mother's eyes. We picked up some Chinese take-out, and drove to Slater's parents home. A deathly silence filled the car as we drove on.

Slater's parents lived about 45 minutes away form the airport. It was the longest 45 minutes in my entire life. My parents hardly spoke, other then commenting on how much O'ahu had changed since they last visited. It had only been a year or so since they were here. Well, O'ahu is surely unpredictable.

We drove up a side street, and the street lights were beginning to light up. It was such a warm night, but I felt so cold.

As we stepped out of the van, my father took one look at me and shook his head. My mother was already ahead of us, entering the porch area. I wanted to turn around and run, but my father and Slater were right behind me. Looking at me as if they knew of my very thought.

Slater's parents home was so beautiful. His mom had just started a rose garden that was already in bloom. Their enormous mango tree was filled with beautifully ripe, ready-to-be-picked Hayden mangos. The smell of the nights first showers filled the air.

We sat on their back porch. Underneath the misty sky. There was just a slight drizzle. I sat toward the end of the porch, on their swinging bench, while everyone sat on the other side closest to the door, staring at me with a weary and upset look. My moth er started in on us first.

"I'm very upset at you both! We trusted you enough to send you to school and provide you with everything you need. Slater tells me that you've dropped out?"

"Asshole!" I whispered enough for him to hear me. He didn't say a word.

"I'm sorry, but I'll handle it my way!" I responded with pride.

"Your way!?! Slater says you want an abortion!" Slater's mom disdainfully responded.

"I want to keep it!" Slater quickly spit out.

"No one is going to make MY decision but me!" I said in defense.

"You see what I mean Mrs. Welington? She doesn't include me in anything!" Slater hatefully said. I felt sorry for him, but I was determined to have the abortion done.

"Jesse, we just want what's best for you, and you know we love you. You cannot have an abortion! It's against our religion!" my daddy mournfully concluded.

"Religion? Who cares about religion! I'm in deep shit here! I'm scared like I've never been before, and you all just can't see that!" I abruptly stood up, got hold of the van keys and ran out the door. Slater ran after me, but I was able to get into the v an, lock the doors and drive away. I left him standing alone in the still of the dark night.

The room was brightly lit with two medium-sized mirrors above the end of the uncomfortable bed. It was a cool, tiled room with the scent of clean, fresh bedding mixed with a touch of Pine-sol. I lay in an upright position upon the electrical bed in excruc iating pain. The lights were hurting my eyes, but each time I tried to turn them away, a sharp pain would emerge in my belly.

"Help me!" I screamed.

"It's okay baby, I'm here!" Slater sweetly replied. The doctor sat in concentration between my widely opened legs which were strapped in stirrups. His concentration was so deep that it was as if he was watching his favorite professional football team lead a game 24-0 on television.

"PUSH! PUSH! " Slater and the doctor screamed .

"SHUT UP BEFORE I PUSH YOU OUT OF THIS ROOM! " I replied in a low agitated voice. The doctor laughed.

"Okay Jesse, its head is almost out!" the doctor joyfully exclaimed.

"PUSH! PUSH!" They both screamed. I took a long deep breath, clenched one hand onto the side of the bed and the other around Slater's upper arm and gave the hardest push I had ever let out. My strength seemed to quickly drain out of my body. I was certain that I just couldn't give another push. Perspiration was pouring out of my sticky body. My eyes were half opened, but as each contraction began to grow, I could feel my burning eyes slam shut. I let out a loud sigh, and pushed again.

Out of the pure silence, I heard my little baby boy cry. Slater cut off the umbilical cord and helped the nurse wash the excess off my new born baby's skin.

"You did it!" he exclaimed.

"No, we did!" I responded. He took my hand and kissed me lovingly on the lips.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too," I responded with relief.