1/10/2k4

sitting here eating kim chee fried rice from SIS where there used to be, i dunno, a fruit stand? near my family's favorite restaurant, happy day in kaimuki. lately i've been surrounded by jolly people and in the midst of all this jolliness i sometimes, for a few seconds, just don't know what to do with myself. last night i went to chinatown with a friend to watch his kung fu/lion dance practice in preparation for Night in Chinatown. the room was filled with adults and children and happy lion heads and incessant drumming, so much noise and color, i felt like a gray dot sitting on the metal folding chair in the corner. later we met up with some other people at D&B for pool, drinks ... at one point i almost fell out of my chair laughing so hard at "grandbrother's" impression of a chinese tour guide. a few minutes later when everyone was deep into their drinks i became a gray dot again. al and kev's friend syl had just broken up with her boyfriend and seemed to be having an okay time, but maybe she was feeling gray dot-ish herself despite all the pink she was wearing. she and i were both drinking 7-up.

it's so odd when it happens. it's like an eclipse. my heart clouds over completely, and then the darkness passes but the chill remains. was enjoying a poolside lunch of cold bbq chicken and warm mac salad from l&l at waialae country club sometime last week. the people were so nice! we were all talking ... it was so sunny ... listening to the guys talk about high school pranks ... they dove into the pool with life jackets on and tried to touch the bottom ... k's wife started talking about k and how wonderful he is and how blessed she feels to have him in her life, and i didn't feel like throwing up. i felt like a little gray dot sitting on a chaise longue in the sun, which for just a minute there i really couldn't feel.

test drove a mazda m3 today ... 5-door hatch, a bunch of totally unnecessary but strangely alluring features. my dealer cousin let me drive it for a good half hour. i fell into an almighty sulk when he had pulled all his magic strings and STILL couldn't come lower than 20k. trudged back to saturn and had to be realistic. i don't need a fabulous car, i just need a car. last week, i loved the saturn simply because i needed a new car so badly (and also because i didn't know the m3 existed and was so damn fun to drive. but anyway) and i had to admit, i couldn't even articulate what i liked so much about the m3. i mean, aside from the luscious silver color and zoom zoom, i was most drawn to, well, the really deep cupholders. so, that was that. tomorrow we pick up the ion and i retire chelsea.

looking forward to class on tuesday and another on thursday. i know they'll be hard but i hope they'll be lively -- i don't need to be a red rubber playground ball or anything, but i hope not to be a gray dot for the whole 10 weeks. ten weeks, 70 days. one week, seven days. time doesn't always fly when you're having fun, just like it doesn't always crawl when you're in pain. time is weird. eclipses are weird. kim chee fried rice from SIS is good. trying to cut back on liquid calories. reading lots. beans, djal, shumai all fine. hope yoko, ducks and p are well. good night.