As a 17 year old girl, the 5th child in a family of 7, I am often one who is silent. I grew up in my room, absorbed in a book, something that could take me elsewhere...another world. I felt and still feel misunderstood, sometimes shunned, and very aware that my eyes are different than those of the other people in my house. I became silent and seemingly "withdrawn" after continuous attempts to talk, explain and be understood, receiving disgusted, quizzical, "what the hell are you talking about" type of looks. This made me feel alienated... and very alone.
One night I had a dream. I was out of my body, watching myself sitting in a field in the dark, watching the sky. I saw a star moving in the distance across the sky. At the same time I heard a very high pitched voice, which I percieved as a woman's voice. As the voice began to come down in pitch, the star seemed to come closer, brighter. Eventually the sound drounded into a male's voice...and the star bacame a beautiful ball of light, radiating around me. The voice spoke, and I never remembered what it said, but I remember feeling safe and strong. The next day I was very quiet and observant, (as usual), and whenever I felt confused or lost, I felt the powerful feelings I had in the dream, very warm and overwhelmingly happy.
I fortunately learned I had one way to connect with my family, through music. There I could express my heartfelt passion, my spirit, and effect them on a level we all could feel. Alone in my room, (which I share with a 6 year old soul, among others), I found guidance and comfort in inspirational writing, letting my hand write while in a meditative state, starting with a conscious ideal, usually Growth. The first time I did this, I was feeling very sad and was looking for comfort from my inner self, the confident, stable one. I wrote the following:
"Growing.......Going...Goodbye, Hello, Love. I love..lots..Me, I am, I am me. I want to me to be me. I love much. I love you. I feel love. I feel you, in me, inside, up high. I found me, I feel me, I feel you. I... Me... You... All, all is in me, all is me, I am all, everything. Is here. I feel this. I feel so much. Little....little ones help me, feel me, want me, love me, are me. All around, Green, Our beauty, Love green, Land... special, important, Coming, helping me, us, help me, to help them, be me, with them, we help. Sit, Breathe, feel you, feel it, all, happy, feel, high, come in star, me, one, Grow, talk, star, come in, is here, awake, see, I see, I feel, I know me, now grow in me. Stay."
The following day I recieved an e-mail of the url for Jonathan Boyne's site on wanderers. I had never heard of them before. Today I explored his site.... and am very glad I did, as now I have a better understanding of who I am, and why life has seemed so strange to me for so long. I want to thank everyone who contributed to that site, and I send my love to every one of you, young or old, who has felt like they didn't belong... who has felt deep inside that they were different, and alone.... and who has felt that overwhelming sadness of having a passionate love for a universal truth that no one seemed to share. I share it with you. We do belong here....and we ARE gathering, (thank goodness!!!).
Love and Light
Chelsea