Coming into contact with RA-material (I have read books 1 and 2 and currently am reading thru book 3) was some sort of homecoming. Wow, I thought, someone has actually written about same kinds of stuff that I have been throwing to people around me as half-jokes in order to provoke them into adopting a more profound viewpoint into their lives. And written in great length and accurate detail. So I am not crazy after all, just because others around me do not understand what I am going through.
What got my attention most of all (in the beginning) was the material presented about Wanderers. I have been Wondering (deliberate choice of lettering...) half my life what on earth is going on in me. From birth I was severely allergic to almost everything you could imagine, although at that time (1955) the medical profession had not yet come up with adequate definitions for over-sensitivity reactions they now call allergy, at least not here in Finland. At age of 6, during the tonsil operation, my heart stopped because of allergic reaction to the anaesthetic they were using. The doctor thought I had bubblegum in my throat when I was not breathing, until he realised he had to start reviving me for real. All I remember is some white thing hovering above me - whether it was an angel or the doctor I do not know. It just felt soothing. After succesfully reviving me, they commenced with the operation again, and again my heart stopped. After having revivied me again they did not dare to continue. Sitting up after I finally came to, I was Wondering what on earth everyone around me is fussing about, because I felt very calm and peaceful.
At around the age of 10 I went to my grandmother with some problem I had, and after listening to me she just said: "You have to start remembering." That made no sense to me whatsoever, so I asked her what it was that I should be remembering, and she just said in her loving smiling heartful way: "That is precisely what you have to remember." Wow, I thought at the time, must be profound because it comes from grandma. I had no clue what she meant, all I realised from the feeling I got that she loved me very deeply. I remembered this conversation years later when I started remembering how I had chosen my parents in this life.
From rather young age I somehow knew that I am not from around here. I just could not bring myself to identify with all sorts of games that people keep up. Yet I had no working ability to relate to most people either, because many things felt like living in a different dream, just watching their moves from behind a see-through screen. Most of my life I have been questioning why I was born into Finland in the first place. I have tried this and tried that, having no great difficulty in switching careers every 4 years and picking up almost anything from composing music and supporting myself as street singer, to working in hospitals, restaurants, as department store detective, sales manager, computer programmer, international consultant, teaching TaiQi and meditation, and even running my own private company. So what, I have always thought, I have no investment in any activities as such - whatever currently offers me best possibilities for provoking people into feeling better with their lives, I'll have a go at it as long as it lasts. And still I was Wondering why me? everyone seems to think I am just exceptionally lucky or blessed in some bizarre way, they are not taking me seriously, so why here? why now? Until about 3 days ago - chain of events started unfolding which has made me realised why I had to be precisely at this place at precisely this time, and being precisely what I am at this point. Suddenly it seems there would be no one else better equipped to take care of what I have put my foot into. It is an awesome experience to realise that all the confusion and self-doubt and whatever I have been through, is totally meaningless in comparison with the fact that I had to be "on standby" for over 40 years, in order to be here when I am actually needed. It makes up over thousand times for all the mind-rattling and selfblame that I have tormented myself with over the years. From this perspective all that has been just grand entertainment, rehearsal for the major roleplay entre, when I got my cue to step onto the stage.
At younger age you could say I was basically lost, almost like blown out of rational understanding of life's purpose and it did not really bother me either. Thanks largely to grandma, I have never had a big issue of having to understand. I knew that life does not have to make sense in order to be lived. I was rather lost to my own personal identity, I knew I propably had or at least should have such - but being so oversensitive I very spontaneously and automatically adopted identity from the feelings and expectations of whatever group of people I happened to be in, or the surroundings. And this would occur so fast I could not keep up with where I was going, my perception of who I was and what was supposedly important and valuable to me could switch very radically in just few hours, when the company that I was in changed. I would sort of spontaneously home in on their expectations, emotions, perceptions and interpretations. It did help me in writing song lyrics and poetry. I could tune into a person and write my experience into verbal form which could make the person gasp for breath "Where did you get this? How did you know this?". And I was just putting down in words what I had felt.
Other than being some sort of "chameleon", I have never had any fabulous paranormal abilities. Sometimes I keep spontaneously jumping in and out of my body, but I can't produce that on even my own demand. It just happens when it wants to. I have done acupuncture massage, chinese medicine, pranic healing, studied the chakras and meridians and techniques, meditated kabbalistic tarot and breathed in and out in various different configurations. I have been able to assist people in healing themselves in cases when they have been ready and willing for it. In other cases, no matter how I have tried, I have just managed to produce frustation for myself, until I realised the person did not wellcome change. So I have learned to listen to my hands and heart, they know long before I do, whether someone needs assistance.
Few years back I had an interesting experience, when in the middle of normal activities, in full waking consciousness I started hearing a voice talk to me softly and quietly inside my head. I engaged in a conversation with it, and eventually asked for guidance to a problem. And definitely got more than I was bargaining for, because the reply was: "The source of all problems is the sorrow which arises, when you regard your self-made images as real". I am still unravelling the implications of that sentence. After the incident I wanted to readjust my relationship to my environment, to accomodate this new level of realisation, so I started (in my usual subtle fashion) calling up friends and relatives, and opening up the telephone conversation with a great line like: "Hi - you know what, I just heard a voice in my head that started talking to me...". And of course the responses were very interesting, some quite predictable and others not quite so.
Another thing which caught my interest in RA-books was the discussion of sexuality among Wanderers. I have had great difficulties in identifying with the male sexual role. Desiring sex in the sense of "I need to have a woman..." is not something I find in myself. I have not been able to define what precisely has activated sexuality in me, but it has a lot to do with being able to communicate nonverbally kinesthetically "do you feel how vastly immensely enjoyable life can be?" ... or being able to participate in energy balancing interactivity. Sex without awareness of the energy transfer aspect is mostly of the "can't we do something else that we both enjoy?"-variety. I have not been very good at expressing that to many women I have had relationships with... in lack of mutual understanding and my lack of ability to express verbally what I am going through, it has easily led to my overwhelming desire to rather be by myself alone.
As for my allergies today: they are gone. Most of food allergies disappeared around 20 years of age, when I got frustrated enough of having been denied the pleasure of eating this and that AND EVEN THAT !! decided life is not worth living without pleasures and just started munching away on strawberries, chocolate, whatever... and was surprised to see how my state of mind seemed to override whatever I had expected to happen. Some of the stronger allergies still remained, like dust, tobacco smoke, animal fur... like dogs and cats. About 3 years ago I started experimenting with NLP and managed to drop the dust and smoke allergies in one session. One year ago I decided that since cats and allergies rarely mix well under the same roof, if I take a cat in - the allergies will go out. I took 2 cats and after couple of days of feeble attempts of resistance from my old belief systems, all reactions vanished and have not since returned. Cats are doing fine. I also self-healed my ailments of sciatic nerve, which were at one time so severe the only way I managed to get out of bed was by crawling: while walking, I scanned the muscle/skeletal movements on the healthy side, and transferred consciousness of that to the sick side, and thus taught it how to move in healthy manner. Has not bothered me since - and I don't even care to debate with medical professionals anymore.
About 6 months ago I experienced a big eye-opener. I was in quite a dilemma because I did not know how to resolve a situation of disagreement with another person. Several times already I had experienced reaching an impasse, I could not come up with anything sensible, and yet I found myself reacting in ways I regretted immediately afterwards - and started hating myself for not being able to "control" myself and not being able to express love, appreciation and acceptance. I just knew I had had enough of it all. As I was walking along the riverbank, mulling over all this, I found myself unexpectedly in a state of mind where time seemed to stand still for a moment. In that moment I became clearly conscious of having two distinct choices: I could choose to ignore and not believe in all the Power and the Good I encountered in myself. Choosing that, I would immediately start experiencing want or lack, would start feeling that I did not have what it would take to be glad I was alive. That would lead to competition with everyone else arouund me, who would feel the same, and so we would all be fighting each other to be able to grasp what we need before someone else gets it. Thus anything I would need, would always come at the cost of someone else'e wellfare. And that is a competition where there are no winners - no one can WIN, you can only try to loose less than the others. I realised how many people there must be on this planet, who wake up and go to sleep and live the whole day in between with the feeling of "whatever I try, I can never really win this, I can never beat this system". But I also realised that in that moment I could well CHOOSE OTHERWISE. And here comes the interesting part: with the first choice, I can describe very accurately what the implications will be, because they remain always the same - it always leads to "the game". But choosing THE OTHER WAY, creativity immediately opens up in such fashion that there is no way to forecast what will follow - because it will spontaneously be created in the moment it manifests !! and it will always be fresh and new, and for the Ultimate Good. It is like opening a hotline straight into Infinity. The very air around me seemed to somehow open up to allow for more space to flood in and everything about there even being another way to choose, totally evaporated, inlcuding the history and implications of it. That did not exist any more. At that point I KNEW I love this life for all that it is worth, and I also knew that there is absolutely nothing that stops me from manifesting what I am here for.