There was a moment. One moment in 1997 when it all hit home, when I fully grasped 'my predicament' as I call it. I saw that world again and sensed how truly far away from it I am now, how lost it is to me and I to it. I have never in my life more fully or completely grieved. I had never fully realized before how much I have lost, how much I am without. Ever since then, I've been looking, patiently waiting, endeavoring to embrace the beauty of this world and this life and to try to appreciate all those I come into contact with. It is like flowers at a funeral. I am thankful for all that I recieve in this life, and for all those who love me, but no matter how immersed in things I get, it never really changes the fact that something quintessential is missing. Something has been ripped out of me, and the hole is always there, like a sour note. It is the most basic, unavoidable fact of my existence.
I have always had the memories, though at first, only vaguely. I was about eleven or twelve before I began to distinguish them from my memories of this life, before I noticed what you would think to be such an obvious discrepancy. I spent years straining to recall more than just the occasional flashes of recollection I would get. It's taken alot of soul-searching, meditation, and concentration, and maximum discipline of thought and self-honesty to get any kind of a clear picture. That place lives within me. It sits at the core of everything I am.
People have always reacted to me in different ways. There are the ones who instantly regard me with some special awe. There are those who have 'embraced the alien', usually people who have, themselves felt 'alienated' throughout their lives. They are the ones who have been the dearest friends, the warmest faces. Without these individuals, I wouldn't have lasted half this long. Then there are others. They sense the truth about me on some level and react to it with full-on hostility, or with an attempt to control me, to get on top of me and keep me very close, as though I were some dark secret that must not get out. Some have just shut me out altogether, refused to deal with me.. The one way I have almost never been treated by others in this life is, very simply, as an equal, a peer. It seems I have always been one step above or below, painted white or black. People silently look to me for confirmation of some absolute, either absolute glory or absolute darkness. Absolute meaning or utter chaos. I cannot attest to either.
Why am I here? I have read much on this subject regarding grand, cosmic designs and intentions. I could speculate endlessly on this, but the truth (for me) is: I do not know why I am here. My memories are still far too fragmentary to offer much in the way of an explanation. I don't have the merest clue as to what led to me going from being there to being here. I do not remember making any such decision or even having any such motivation. I do not know how I got here or through what process, or for what purpose. As far as I know, my existence here is a complete accident. If I did, somehow, decide to come here, it was perhaps the most thoughtless, careless, uninformed decision I've ever made. I obviously didn't know what I was getting myself into, the stupidity of thinking that I could just 'blend in' and no one would notice, and that everything would go smoothly. In fact, it's all been a fiasco from the start. Any such attempt has failed catastrophically. I have not just "blended in" and nothing has gone smoothly.
So where does this leave me, given that I can't go back? And how do I know that I can't? I don't know (for sure) where this place is. I don't know how to get there. I have no way to bodily get myself there. Suicide? Having possibly already made one disastrously bad cosmic mistake I'm in no hurry to make any more. To 'leap into the void' without the slightest idea what's on the other side, with only the smug, self-satisfied conviction that some magical mechanism will be in place to facilitate a perfect outcome, would be just as stupid. Therefore, my only real hope is that I can find some kind of a home in this world, that I can just be myself and be accepted for who and what I am. So far I've failed in this quest. In the past, I tried to establish some sense of kinship with those others I have met who share this dilemma. But despite our best efforts, it just broke down in the end. Perhaps it simply collapsed under the weight of this shared secret, dissolving into a kind of mutual discomfort - trying to face the world and this life, while simultaneously, becoming ubiquitous reminders of each other's disappointment and alienation. Finally I was forced to just disconnect and move on. Ultimately, it's probably the best thing. But I can't even begin to tell you how heartbreaking it can be to have to walk away from the only people you've ever really felt connected to.
The challenge now is just to find the strength to keep moving forward, to recognize (and fight for) what I have to contribute to this world, and try to find the beauty and meaning therewithin. I know this world can be a place rich beyond words, containing things unique and irreplacable. To be fair, I have found astounding passion and poetry in the course of my life here, and I would do anything to see it all preserved.
How do I know I'm right about all this? I don't. Do you? Is anyone ever one hundred percent certain that they know the absolute truth? Faith is a risk. And faith is what this is about. I've realized, somewhat late in life, that if I'm worth anything in this world, I have to take a stand for what I believe is true. If I'm to navigate my own way through this life, I have to learn to trust my own judgement. This has been a lifelong struggle for me. People have always seemed to have a problem with me trusting myself. At times, I've had to fight everyone around me, people who supposedly cared about me, in order to aquire and maintain my faith in myself and my judgement. Those things are very hard won for me, and having finally attained them, I'm not going to let anyone take them away from me.
I hope that this accounting is of help to all those engaged in similar struggles.