As the subject box indicates, I don't know whether or not I'm any kind of alien soul. I feel rather silly talking about this, in fact. But on the other hand, I feel I have to tell what I have to say to people who would understand and not mock me.

I was born as a premature breach baby. Because I'm premature, my parents tell me I am both very intelligent but I have lots of allergies and asthma as well. My dad says I'm very good at massaging because I'm a breach baby. But that's beyond the point. The point is, I remember lots of times when I was little: I was afraid of the dark and afraid to sleep. I don't know how I had the energy to stay up the whole night, then be able to function in school like I got a full night's worth of sleep. I'm not capable of doing that anymore, but something that's stuck from back then is this: I can lie in bed, in total silence, and be half-asleep, maybe, or almost totally asleep. Then, suddenly, I'd be startled and my limbs would jerk like I'd been jolted back into my body. My heart would pound, and while I wouldn't necessarily be afraid, I would just be startled, and it would take a long while before I'd be able to try sleeping again.

I used to talk to the air--no imaginary friends--and I remember this one time, when I was on a flight to the Philippines with my parents. On the plane, I could hear voices, but not voices belonging to the people on the plane. My parents said I was imagining them, and from then on, I just assumed any voices I'd hear in the silence and isolation of the house if I'd be alone would be just that: imaginary voices. Now that I'm a senior in high school, I've had a lot of time to think past then. I don't want to say mean things about my parents because they are my parents, but I don't feel as close to them as I feel I should. I dream about a father who loves me very much and is my best friend, who takes care of me--not a mother for some reason. I dream of meeting my soulmate, who loves me so perfectly and knows just the right way to make me laugh and be happy--but he's not alive; he's a spirit.

I feel alienated now especially because my two best friends are drifting away from me, but it reminds me of the gauntlet I went through at my old (private, parochial) school. I was the only Asian in my class and one of two or three in the entire school. The "white" kids made fun of me constantly and didn't accept me into their cliques. I only gained some degree of respect in eighth grade when they saw I was indeed smart and I had a great imagination and a knack for making great sci-fi stories. But now, in the present, I don't feel too great because yeah, my friends are drifting away from me. There's so much to discover out there, but there are too many challenges with new classes and new things to overcome. Perhaps knowing the truth about myself--whether I'm really some alien from another planet or not--will shed some light.

Thanks for reading this super-long letter,

T.A.