I am remembering, more accurately, I am conciously remembering and trying to understand this; I feel like I'm in the middle of becoming or going back to sleep, I'm scared, and I don't know what to do. I am afraid to acknowledge this on any kind of "real" level, it feels like my head is splitting off, or I am. I'm absolutley sure that it is real, or at least the experiences of knowing have always been there, this is really confusing and I'm not doing this very well, I sat down just awhile ago and tried to put this all down in some type of sequence, like the others have here, all the experiences etc., but I just got SO unbelievably UPSET, Obviously I can't articulate at this moment what I'm trying to say so here is what I wrote down earlier and God help me I hope it helps in some way to let you understand what I am trying to ask here, please, I think I really need your advice, does everyone feel like this when they wake up? I have this feeling that maybe I'm not suppose to talk about all this yet, but then I have this other feeling that here is the only place that I will find any help too. Here is what was/I've written:

sometimes we look into a true mirror and for the first time see ourselves so clearly that it is terrorizing like a lightening recognition, but with denial in it's most gut wrenching form:

I awake to a landscape that I never knew and to a home I've never had I am in flux and awakened to the moment of my life to the answers I've always known to the throes of this screaming soul this begging, hurt and whimpering wounded being to the echoes of my years chanting please let me go home please let me Dear God go home and I am awash in fear awash in the deepest tearing grief that I have ever known why have you awakened me who calls this being from it's sleep who are you that can charge me with this God Forsaken task yes, I have awakened and the pain of a billion stars roar through me and the pain of a billion lives rush past me and the pain of a thousand goodbyes, and a hundred lost loves like a man not dead clawing at his coffin I go down to the sea of memory Take this from me, Take this from me, or do this now before I change my mind oh mighty one can you comfort me for all that is is all that I have left you my creator and creation there is nothing else but that we are one and I am here to see this volunteered to be this this half senseless creature blinded and bound I am so much more than I use to be I am so much less and I have been awakened who wakes me from this sleep The Brightest Light most Brillant one your light rising from this deep shaking from my eyes the dust of these millennia.

My name is _______, and I presently live in ________. I am 36, and work full time as a secretary, and I think I am in need of some help with this. It's not something I haven't known, because it is, but even still, I really wish there was someone or someplace that I could go and talk with about this. I hope this was the right thing to do and that you don't decide that I am insane or something, I just don't know where to turn right about now.

Dear Mr. Boyne,

Thank you. Thank you most profoundly for your words. I am reading this on Monday morning, because over the weekend the cost of maintaining an internet connection on my home computer is ; over here in Germany; astronomical. So I am reading this after a weekend of self examination and much much meditation and writing page after page in my current journal. I am...calmer perhaps with it, but I am also feeling many many different kinds of things because of it.

First off, I have an absolute incredible need/urge, frustration even, to "be where I am suppose to be", to do the work I am supposed to be doing. the question of course, is where and what. I am an American over here, have been here for 10 years, I have a most beautiful mate that I have been with for 6 years, and would not leave even for so called Universal Salvation. I feel cowardly about that, I feel like I am not doing what I should be, what I KNOW I should be doing, but where can I go?, I do not speak German fluently, although my mate is German but we converse in English.

I apologize for crying on your shoulder like this, I did not mean to be so dramatic about it all, It is not my intention. Please forgive me if you can as I ramble on to you. I believe it is good advice that you have offered me, and to awaken as you say is inde a service within itself, and yet...and yet I CANNOT shake this feeling of total frustration with my job. I cannot shake this feeling of wanting to be working with others of like mindedness, I cannot shake this feeling that I am NOT doing what I should be doing. I was just accepted into a brand new position as of last week, a higher more responsible position than the one I am in now, I will be starting this week in that position, and though at the time I was happy to receive this, it is now the last thing in the world that I want to be doing, in fact, I can't even think about doing it without an overwhelming depression and frustration. But I realize that this is a most common theme among lines of this type.

I read the stories here about a thousand times over and over this weekend. Some comforted me, and others I thought were shall I say, not what I could relate to. I have had no UFO experiences that I know of, I have never seen one, I've never seen any beings whether heavenly or not and I have never heard any outside voices expect that which is most certainly within my own mind. Dreams and OBE are another story however, and this I can relate to. Paranormal encounters I have had, but I have kept them to myself except perhaps in sharing with close friends at a dinner party or within a relevant conversation/discussion of such things.

I was absolutley shocked when I read the RA material excerpt here, it is concepts that I have spoken of for half my life, I couldn't have been more shocked in any other way, it's where the material comes from that is a bit hard for me to swallow, and yet, who am I to say it is untrue or that other people stories are too far out when here I am asking for the same tolerance, I am being totally unfair and close minded, and it occurs to me that as earth has many different ways of being, so too, would any other being from somewhere else, and that perhaps my experience here is only from one beings viewpoint, so I can't discount it. I am trying to accept it as part of something that is valid and real, that is hard to do sometimes.

Yes, I have known for years, perhaps forever , but the ability now to integrate this knowing this knowing into something "real" is difficult. I appreciate deeply the time you took to write to me, it has helped very much. My story isn't any less or greater here than anyone elses but I'd be pleased to write about it even so. Maybe it would help someone else relate to parts of their lives like some of the ones here helped me. I feel like I don't want to lose this at any cost now, I mean, I have at times pushed this from my conciousness in fear or to deal with the "real" things, I have pushed it away a number of times because I thought it just too ridiculous to consider, and have said to myself "You better stop thinking like that before you really DO get crazy", and then I'd and do my best to get involved in any mundane activity I could think about, now, I don't know, I don't WANT to push it away, I feels almost like for the first time in my life I want to do this and follow through with it even if it seems I'm being a bit withdrawn and self centered to my friends and family. I feel like I must first make myself happy before I can make anybody else happy and I am not happy right now with the way my life is in some areas.

I would like to think about what I would write as far as "my story" is concerned, I think I would like to work through it, It helps me think sometimes as I write. You're most welcome to use any of my ramblings thus far though if you think it would be helpful, and you may give my name and e-mail address, but I do not want to be bothered by so called "nuts", though I use that term loosely these days considering. Also, I am attached to a person whom I love very much and would not appreciate anyone with ideas of making this a single's game. Mr. Boyne, Thank you again, I felt alot of light and love from that message, though I'm not certain how that could be, it was truly felt. I hope I may talk to you again.

In the peace and the light of one