ACTUAL NEWS HEADLINES

 GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
 The Tallahassee Bugle

 MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
 The Anchorage Alaska Times

 GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
 The New Haven Connecticut Register

 THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
 The Arkansas Plainsman

 CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
 Bangor Maine News

 STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
 The Washington Times

 CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
 The Bosnia Bugle

 LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
 Newsday

 ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
 San Antonio Rose

 PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
 Chicago Daily News

 TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
 The Miami Herald

 MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
 The New Haven Connecticut Register

 GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
 The Tallahassee Democrat

 WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN?  ABSOLUTELY!
 The Houston Chronicle



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(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
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Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children  $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra  pair to
take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by hand.

For sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself.  Let me do it.

Vacation Special:  have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.  Zap
does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster:  A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

For Rent:  6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest.  Will take anything..

Used Cars:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted:  Hair cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

Wanted.  Widower with school age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.